I'm not sure what I feel about tomorrow. I'm going to the doctor and I'll find out whether or not she really thinks it's bipolar.

And I'm honestly... I think I've blocked it? I'm not ready to deal with it. It's kind of nice to know there's a reason for why I act the way I do about stuff

....... but mostly it's making me question my idea of normal (which let's face it was never great) and my emotions and it's just fucking crazy to me

I mean... gah idk

I don't know if I'll feel like an idiot if I get in there and she goes "nah it's not bipolar gtfo" either

I really just... don't know. "I don't know" is like my phrase of the week here because I really DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING

I was all ready to hear that it was some form of depression because I seriously expected that that'd be it (even though I don't/never have fit the criteria for it)... so to walk in and hear "mood disorder"

...

.... why am I writing this? Do I put trigger warnings for stuff like this??

Idek

Fuck

Nothing's gotten any /worse/ for me or anything, thank god, but I went through a phase on the weekend (after putting off going to the doctor for the one before that), which is apparently common

...... and I hate having to wait because I just want to fucking KNOW, I keep second-guessing myself and I'm going crazy because she said "I'll have to check the diagnostic criteria BUT" so I'm all

CLEARLY SHE'S WRONG even though she's a trained fucking professional

Bitch ain't know what she be sayin

...... I don't know if this is the grief or denial phase

Fuck.

Sorry to anyone who's reading this, don't know if want to delete later

This sucks and I hate it.

baby :c I'm sorry that things are confusing and crappy right now

I love you twinnie

if you want, hit me up and I'll call you tomorrow if you need to chat after your appointment thing okay

♡♡♡ squeezes you

I'm not sure if this makes it better or worse but technically, that is normal!

The reason I was in tears when my psychologist told me I had PTSD was because 'no way that's not me, it's too extreme it doesn't fit, that can't be me'

And it really knocks you for a loop

Your doctor is aware there's something wrong and the diagnosis is taking a while, which is really damn disturbing

It makes it hard to be sure of yourself because you're not sure what it is you're trying to overcome and what process is necessary to overcome it

I think, baby pie, it won't be until you've actually started working with someone towards understanding and keeping yourself healthy that it'll be a solid reality?

Because 'it sounds like' isn't a very satisfying answer all round, and it's hard to peg your beliefs onto that

YES all of the above /burrows into and stays there

Idk I guess I'll know in 3 hours' time. Abuuu

Good luck hunny!

/cuddles forever

Also I'll talk to you soon about flights and stuff cause I think me and Caity have decided Adelaide is the go |D

Thank you babu and YAAAAY <3 Sounds fabulous~!

<333333 Hope you're doing okay too though sweetheart, missing you tonnes and I cannot wait to see you guys

yesyesyes thunderbirds are go uwu