i dont think i am going to make it home in time to see my grandma alive

this is one of my worst fears

and here it is coming true

she is in the hospital with pneumonia and she is getting worse and worse

my mom is out of the hospital and she is doing ok

she gets her results back next week on whether or not she needs radiation or not

i called her to see how she was doing and she was like "be prepared to come home"

thats so scary

and i am an absolute upset mess

she keeps saying like "you shouldnt have moved in the firstplace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

but its like what do you want from me mom

there is no way i could have forseen this

stop guilting me

stp making me regret every decision i make for myself because it isnt the time

thats it really. im just incredibly scared and i dont know how to deal or how i will deal

i'm upset that the last time i saw my grandma alive and healthy was october 2011

and im upset that i wont be able to see her alive ever again most likely

and im upset that i'm stuck here with no money to do anything

ah scratch that, my bf is footing the bill for me to go visit home

Hun, you are an adult who needs to pave their own life, moving away is totally fine and natural

So it's really important to be there for your family but don't feel guilty for wanting to live your life the way you want to

And I hope everything turns out all right for you

ah yeah i know feeling guilty bout moving away is dumb and shit, i just hate that i am made to feel guilty about it all the time

i hate that its a go-to thing my mom does when she is unhappy with my decisions

and she dont need to be happy with my decisions fuck that!! but it just got to me today with all the otehr shit going down