Next month a couple things happen.

It will be a year since my husband's father died. Six months since my uncle died.

Both from cancer. Same month my old cat died two years ago. He was 18.

Also my birthday. ...yay?

It's also the month we hope to close on the new house. Which will mean a lot of work.

Through this mess I keep thinking... I want a puppy.

a malamute puppy.

or a pet rat again

I'm not going into major detail about my rl shit here but lets just say, every day for the past week(even weekends) some crisis has occurred.

aides failing to show, appointments with the bank, paperwork, stupid jump through his hoop to have a life.

If I have to train one more new aide I think I'll punch the training dummy to death

We may have to switch aide services again because what the bloody fuck balls it should not take you 20 minutes to get here you're a mile away

The night grandma decided she didn't want to sleep was special fun. I got through about 300 pages of a book that night.

So, anyway, a lot of that above shit relates to the mod decision.

For myself it was the realization that next month will be a hectic hell that I don't honestly know how functional I'll be at the end of it.

I haven't dealt with my uncle's death yet. I'm feeling like it'll hit me on the same day Jordan's dad died.

I remember the last time I saw him, he was standing in the kitchen cooking sausage. he still had some of his appetite then but was in a lot of pain. His main tumor was pressing painfully against nerves

it was in the bone at that point.

Jordan's dad... this time last year... it was bad.

He died five months after our wedding.

he held on to be there and stand to see it happen but after the wedding he declined fast.

For all this shit, I have, of course, been in therapy.

There's a lot of other stuff I haven't mentioned, again, not gonna go into much detail but suffice to say I have two very unstable half siblings.

Neither of them are able to fully comprehend just what effect they are having on those around them. Or if they do, they like the attention too much to care.

Anyway, to bring this back around the pressure from all these outside sources... which in the past modding and rp has relieved somewhat, began to creep its way further into my life.

One of those rocks and a hard place things.

Thankfully, neither I nor Jordan have injured ourselves which tends to happen when stress happens. Not like we're trying it's more that the distraction throws something off.

Our bodies just go NOPE.gif

It's an unfortunate thing that happens with stress and us.

anyway. that's all for now.

Wow.

May I be the first to