I've been thinking recently that I would like to establish a sense of faith, whether in actual creed or just simply faith in myself and those around me

whether gaining a sense of religious faith, or faith in my mental and emotional self. either way, I feel as though maybe either would help me get my stuff together

trying things like thinking more positively, shutting down irrational negative before they grow, constantly reminding myself that i have the support of loved ones and all the things around me that i dearly

appreciate

i think a good start is to create one of these photoset

I already have something to touch (my fuzzy blanket that was Jack's favorite) and to hear (I keep this song Marconi Union - Weightless (Radox) HighQuality Audio... on my phone and listen to it all the times I have anxiety)

it actually helps

and I suppose my glitter lamp next to my bed is something to 'see', and I almost always have mint gum on me. I just need something to smell

i could be a 'proper' minister and learn all i can about various important topics, for myself and others. things like helping people who are marginalized in whatever way/if I'd be wanted to help

helping people who are grieving, listen to confessions... i think that's what a minister should be, a hand when there isn't any other, to lift people up, regardless of creed.

personally, i can't feel like a 'proper' minister if it's just in title only, I want to feel a complete sense of self before i can help anyone. and i feel as though I really do want to pursue this.

i never thought i would, but i think it'd be good for me

i think what I mean by that was, I want to start taking responsibility when I'm able to, instead of deliberately choosing not to due to being too stubborn/proud/embarrassed.

i think that's one of my biggest problems.

i guess it isn't always bad to choose not to take responsibility (should robin hood take responsibility for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor? what constitutes as proper responsibility?)

i guess when it comes to harming/upsetting innocent people, that is when I should be better in taking responsibility

i'm not gonna deny that i've harmed people, and badly at that, and I've ran away from taking responsibility for it. i'm not proud of it at all

but i'm really lucky that i've rebuilt bridges with people i feel i've wronged the most in life, when I thought i'd never see them again. it's really shocking and helped us feel peace

and I hope that, when/if I get to a stage where I can't control my actions/reactions, that it is most important to allow help from others

depression and other such brain problems can fuck that up, i feel that almost every day. thankfully i'm getting help soon.

like, when i'm stressed and upset, i have a bad habit of taking it out on others. i want to reach a state of control and wisdom to where i can prevent that and wade through my troubles

whether on my own or thru help

and I don't feel like i'd be a proper minister if i fueled my actions through rage and fear, it's the very thing i absolutely do not want to do

it'll be hard, because it's a never-ending process. we're always growing and changing and our situations will always be different. we aren't always able to

prepare for or deal with what's to come. but that's a part of growing, and we don't ever stop growing

Having faith in something can be a source of renewable strength.

I think that is very true : )