alright well

we are going to go back to march because in march, two days before st pattys day, i ventured off by myself to chicago

to visit Mar because wow I missed her and she wanted me to come see Mindless Self Indulgence with her

so I was all pumped for that! A few days away from home in Chicago during St Pattys Day with my bff? um hell yeah

lol was I wrong

the first 30 minutes of me being there, she was on the phone with her boyfriend, having him meet us where we were going to get food

which was okay with me because hey im friends with her boyfriend too and thought yeah it would be awesome to see him again

so yadda yadda he shows me and him talk a little and suddenly all conversation is between the two of them

and im just

stuck

sitting there

like "hi. can i join in too?"

but apparently not

so we go back to her dorm room, he goes back to his campus and im like okay yay msi time let me beat the shit out of people in the mosh pit

and we get there

and we get stuck on the balcony

and i am pissed beyond all reason

and its not like i can talk to her because when shes not watching the band play, shes texting her boyfriend

and its so loud that i can barely make conversation with her either

(and it didn't help that everyone in MSI was either high or drunk off their asses so they played terribly)

i go to bed hoping the next day is better

and its not

and neither is the next day which was st pattys day because i got sick as fuck eating vegan food

because wow thats all she had to eat and didnt want to go to any establishment that sold meat products because

wow shes sooooo super vegan that she doesnt care for the well being of non-vegans!!

wow suck my dick!!

but yeah

so the next and last day of our trip im just miserable because i was having a shitty time

aside from going to this quaint little bookstore and getting two books and four Batman comics, & being able to find boots, i hated the trip

i felt lonely and unwanted and invisible because whereever we went so did her boyfriend and her college friends

and i just sat

and read

because i wasnt being included no matter how much i tired

tried*

but anyway

so the last night, we go to the beach at like 11pm (which is illegal and really stupid) and its me, mar and her boyfriend.

we walk the beach barefoot towards a dock and while im putting my shoes and socks back on because wow the dock was really rough to walk on,

they fucking

leave me

in the middle of the beach alone at night

and my phone is dying

and i am scared and freaking out inwardly and just want to go home

i end up sobbing on the fucking dock in the middle of the night and some guy and girl find me and ask if im okay and obv i am not

and they go to the college that was on the beach (which is mars boyfriends college) and offer to get me something to eat

and at this point, i just dont give a fuck and go with them to the cafeteria

and actually kind of enjoyed myself a little bit

i barely ate, just kinda sat there upset and had a quiet conversation with them

mar and her boyfriend come back to the college and go to the cafeteria and they looked like they just fucked

(spoiler alert; they did!)

but yeah

i freaked out on mar as we made our way back to her dorm, on the L Train or w/e its fuckin called

and thank god no one was in the same car as us because wow i was a HOT BLOODY MESS

and she doesnt even say anything to me, just sits there with her hands in her lap like nothing was wrong

acting like im the bad guy

and apparently to her i was

because the first thing out of her mouth the next morning was "you arent on your prozac anymore are you?"

UM FOR YOUR INFORMATION I WASNT BECAUSE MY DOC SAID IT WAS OKAY, THAT I WAS OKAY

(also hi i am back on my prozac now after all that because of these huuuuge breakdowns i had when i got home)

TL;DR I had a shitty time in Chicago with Mar and now back to present time

I have attempted to talk to her since and got no response from her

so i gave up, deleted her from facebook, unfollowed her on tumblr/twitter and erased her number from my phone because

i have no time for shitty friends

and quite frankly, i was sick of being treated like dirt by her and being second to her boyfriends and friends

but recently she unfollowed me from twitter and i was like "lol okay w/e" and now she sent a request to follow me again?

and sent me a friend request on facebook?

lmfao no fuck you

I am done being treated like garbage by my so called """Friends"""

i literally havent hung out with anyone that wasnt family or my boyfriend or angela in like a month

and this is nothing again eli or angela but wow i thought i had more friends?

i understand Steffie is busy and I am chill with that because we talk everyday anyway

but wow

i wish i had some decent friends in my life that weren't just internet

i mean wow i even have been feeling kinda lonely online too???

whenever i have attempted to really...converse with people...i feel like im just unwanted

im lonely and want friendship

from people

because wow i feel like crap and like something inside me died and im an emotionless wreck

but i dont understand why i care so much over stupid things because no one ever gave much shit over me?

but um

yeah

im having a bad night can you tell?