This is a venting plurk.
Essentially, I am incredibly happy to be home from work and even happier that it's the weekend.
And I love you all and I have missed you and I am sorry I have not caught up with your plurks.
But some things just need venting about.
(I will not judge anyone for muting this plurk and ignoring it. <3 )
First, I am angry that the state election is on the day after I finish this placement. I will be neck-deep in project work and uni prep
and I will have literally no time between now and then to keep up with election claims and propaganda.
I know this is no-one's fault, I'm just starting small.
The next thing I'm angry about is doctors. A specific group of doctors actually, and especially one doctor.
I'm studying ceftriaxone at the moment. It's my thing. So when an issue came up, my pharmacist asked me to see if I could resolve it
with the doctor.
So I said "I'm sure this is just a mistake, but this patient has been charted for ceftriaxone tds, could you just fix that for me?"
/nicenicenice
And the doctor said "Oh, sure" and charted bd.
I assumed it was an honest mistake, and said "actually, this patient only has cellulitis. And they're an adult. Can you chart it daily?"
Because there is zero clinical evidence for using it bd in adults, and because they overdosed a patient last week
And he said "no, I think that's appropriate."
So I put on my slightly-dizty-very-eager-student face and said "oh gosh, I must have misunderstood something! I have so much to learn!
Could you tell me what evidence you're doing this under, doctor?"
And he said to me, not a word of a lie, he said "that's just the way we've always done it."
Guys.
That is the opposite of evidence-based medicine.
I couldn't convince him to change it. That patient is still receiving their antibiotics bd. I feel like crap, and it's not even my fault.
I found out later that the pharmacists have been trying to get this through to the doctors for months, and they always get that answer.
I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself.
Huh. What's even the point of having pharmacists work with doctors if those doctors won't listen to your reccs? Jeez.
It's the job of pharmacists to know the drugs better than any doctor possibly could!
That's kind of the point, yeah.
Why not listen! That's so stupid! At least say, "hey, I'll look into it." That's just so ignorant and stubborn for no reason!
But they don't even have to listen to us! They could look up any set of evidence or guidelines for themselves!
/rage
I completely agree with you. I don't think it's bad when a doctor isn't completely up to date on all new medical information, but it IS bad
when they aren't open to correction or learning from mistakes.
Did I mention, by the end of the month I will be doing a presentation reviewing the use of this antibiotic (appropriate and inappropriate)
to the hospital staff?
I may just get eaten alive.
nope, you won't
because after that presentation, you are ought of there
so they can't throw any bullshit at you
Australia is full of arrogant doctors, I swear
and I'm sorry you had to deal with one
Yeah. I'll have to try to schedule it on the very last day and hide in the dispensary afterwards. :/
That's really horrible. It's like they not only don't follow evidence-based medicine, they're not following COLLABORATIVE medicine either
Medicine is not really a science. It tries to be , but it isn't. The best we can do is help each other to provide the best and most
appropriate care possible, and that means working together!
/rages with you
Yeah, I totally agree. Medicine isn't a science, but clinical trials are.
how is medicine not a science?
Well, in the best type of medicine possible, it's a collaborative process between doctors and patients, and what's most important
a lot of the time isn't necessarily in trying to go for the most scientifically grounded solution to a problem, but for the solution that
works best for any particular patient.
I see
Medicine certainly relies on interpretation in the gaps we don't have science for yet.
thank you for explaining medicine to me
I wasn't really trying to explain medicine to you. I know you practice it on your own. I just was explaining why I think it's not
a science.
ok
... I can't help but feel like somehow I offended you. Did I?
I'd be happy to apologize but I would like to know what about what I said to upset you so I know what I'm apologizing for.
no, not offended
just exhausted
you've explained medicine and how medicine works and how to do medicine to me multiple times now
I have?
Well, I guess I don't remember doing that. But I'm sorry in that case. I can see where that would be exhausting.
But might I make a suggestion? If that's so, why even ask me about my opinion about it? I'll pretty much answer the same way
whenever I'm asked.
so, okay, explain this to me then
your answer to the question was, cut and paste, as below:
Neenlock
shares
yet, you prefaced it with this:
Neenlock
shares
Well, in the best type of medicine possible, it's a collaborative process between doctors and patients, and what's most important
which is not informative with regard to 'why medicine isn't a science' at all
but indicates that you feel you're speaking to an audience who has no idea what medicine is
especially since the idea of collaborative medicine between a patient and a doctor is a fairly basic concept for all modern medicine
Hmm. Okay.
I respect that you are very knowledgable, but this isn't the first time you've talked down to me
if we want to discuss this further we should probably make another plurk
Whatever you'd like.
I have to admit, I kind of don't respect this tactic if it means taking things to PM after you've started something in public.
I wasn't thinking the new plurk would be private, to be honest
I was just thinking it was unfair of me to hijack qb's plurk like this
I wasn't really intending to start something, either
You weren't? Because if you feel like I talk down to you, I feel like you needlessly nitpick at me, in a way that sometimes really makes
me feel singled out and excluded, and I have to admit it hurts my feelings, even if that's not what you intend.
But I think if I'm going to say that, I should outright apologize first. I sincerely never intended to talk down to you, ever.
And if that is what you feel, than that means I'm not choosing my words well enough, and so I'm sorry for that.
I really am.
I appreciate the apology
I can't yet make comment on the nitpicking thing. I'm going to assume you aren't referring to incidents like this one where you've been
patronising to me and I've become chilly in my responses
can you give me more information on this?
* on times when I've hurt your feelings
For example, the time when you decided to call me out on Kori's plurk about queer issues by questioning my own sexuality.
Another example is when I was talking happily about Haruna in some plurk and they you asked me to clarify my POV, when then
turned into a kind of Haruna bashing plurk, effectively ruining my happiness at the moment for no good reason at all.
Those are two that I can think of off the top of my head, but there have been more.
okay, first point
are you actually saying you're holding me responsible for the things that cubie says?
You don't really "confront" anyone else like this! Not Ten. Not Drae. Not Monica. Not Kori.
No, you were there too.
link?
I don't have it bookmarked, sorry to say. And it happened a while ago.
okay. I know I've been guilty of haruna-bashing and squee-ruining in the past
I honestly thought I had moved past doing that, but I will endeavor to keep myself in check
I am sorry for hurting your feelings
I am also sorry I made you feel excluded
I think what gets me is how it feels fairly personal. And if you feel like I've been patronizing you, then I guess I can understand how
you'd react like that.
But I don't think you understand the extent to which I am extremely wary to even talk to you. I'm so worried of saying something wrong
around you, something that will make you go all upset and chilly like you said, without knowing really what was what was setting you off.
but I would like a little more description on the exclusion thing as well, since I have a hard time understanding an absolute outsider like
me could be making you feel excluded
I really like you and yet it feels often to me like you don't really like me, and are just putting up with me because you like the people
I hang out with.
it is hard to like someone who seems like they consider themselves intellectually superior to you, I admit
no, that's not right
I don't consider myself intellectually superior to anyone. :/ But I know that I've come off like to that to some people in the
it is hard to talk to someone who seems like they consider themselves intellectually superior to you
past, so I know that it's got to be a failing of my own. But I really don't feel like that! I'm just... bad at knowing what seems
condescending to people., I guess.
I speak only for myself, by the way
but...I also feel like this issue is maybe less personal than it seems
I'm still an outsider here
I'm not really especially close to anyone
and I'm an especially guarded person, I guess
www.plurk.com/p/fcsgj5 is this the plurk you were referring to?
Yes. And oh my, that was Cubie and not you? (see, my memory is terrible)
But I do remember now.
yeah, see?
We had a private plurk after that where you tried to explain where Cubie was coming from there.
you just accused me of something pretty big
I think I conflated you and her because of the way you came to her defense afterwards in private and gave me a long explanation
of where she was coming from.
I see
that defense of cubie was actually me being worried about you and worried that straight people had stomped all over you
I mean, it transpired that that wasn't the case
but I'm sort of getting the impression you read the things I do in the worst possible light, here
Possibly. But it seems you really don't much like me, anyway, so I guess I'm right in my overall sense of what you feel towards me.
I think you'd be justified in not liking me much if you think I'm being condescending to you, btw.
I do like you
to be frank, if I didn't like you, I'd have probably just told you where to go
the first time I felt you were being condescending
I feel like we are just two people that perhaps clash in personality style
This is probably true. No, it's definitely true.
that doesn't mean we can't be friends
but it probably means we can't be friends-who-never-argue
Actually, I think the first thing that really upset me about you was something really stupid? Something even I knew I was being stupid
about because I knew it wasn't personal?
if you feel that arguing is too toxic or harmful to you and you'd rather interact with me less, then this is your amnesty
I don't want to be toxic to you.
When we first got to know each other on Plurk, I remember very, very vividly how you (and later, Cubie too) were very prone to
lavishly laying on praise and delight and happiness over Kori and Ten and Drae (and later Monica too) over ever little thing.
But I don't feel like you ever did the same towards me. And I knew logically that it was fine, that not everyone likes everyone else the
same and it was okay if you liked them better than me. But it still hurt every day to see it and notice how conspicuously you
were not doing the same towards me.
And so I think that made me feel wary and sort of stiff towards you.
Probably that is where the patronizing, condescending stuff comes from. I don't feel patronizing towards you, ever, but I DO
feel on guard about you, since I don't want to let myself get all stupidly emotional about natural feelings and stuff.
It's just such a childish sort of feeling to have, I totally admit it.
But at the same time I can't help but admit I found it extremely upsetting. I had lots of stupid private crying sessions about it.
Stupidly, I'm even crying now, which is just ridiculous of me. But... I want you to know that I've been trying SO HARD to make sure
I didn't make you at all feel like you needed to be nicer to me or whatever, that maybe I went too far the other way.
look, it was never my intention to specifically exclude you
but it was so long ago that I honestly can't remember
I have a lot of stupid friendship related abandonment issues.
I remember being very enthusiastic about epic akiharu fic, but maybe you weren't around at that time and I only spoke to monica
I honestly cannot remember
No, I know that. See, that's the whole problem. I can logically know you're not intending to exclude me but that doesn't help my stupid
emotions any.
again, I offer the amnesty
if you need to cut off communications with me, do it and I'll understand
if you need to take a step back from me, I'll understand
I do not want you to be hurt
I already did that. I took my step back away from you... I took you off my Plurk timeline for a while so I didn't have
to see your Plurks.
or, we can try to make things work
But after some time I put you back on and I have been talking to you well for a while (I've hoped!)
and thought we were finally getting along right and without problems either way.
so I have to admit I was really, really taken aback by you doing that thing again earlier. But... I already feel this is better, since
I thought so too, actually
you told me direct what your problem has been.
I thought we were getting along
I had no idea you saw me that way, truly.
But now that I know I can be really careful because the last thing I would want to do is be patronizing to someone who I consider to be
well then, I'm glad you asked me, and I'm glad I told you
one of the most thoughtful people I know.
Yeah. At first I was going to just sort of let it go and be all, "well, that didn't go well" and be secretly disappointed and sad
look, I am going to leave the ball in your court for this
the amnesty is long-term.
As far as I'm concerned, we're good. Having an honest talk about things is always better than anything else.
I don't consider our friendship to be damaged, but I don't want to damage you
Feel free if you ever feel that I'm being patronizing to you, to just say so bluntly.
but I do want to say something here
It won't hurt my feelings.
okay, I'll keep that in mind
I will say this publically, since we've pretty much had this whole argument out in the open
I will not every try to turn people against you
Oh, I never thought you would. Trust me, that thought never crossed my mind for a moment.
Kori and Monica and Ten, there's no way they would ever take my side in a fight
or the others, probably
it's obvious they all adore you
I just. I've been wanting to say that since the 'exclusion' comment
that's my impression
I can see what you're saying but I also want to say that for me, it's never been about feeling like you were getting me excluded from
their lives.
It's been that I felt excluded from yours.
ahh, that makes more sense now
Gosh, that never crossed my mind for a second! I don't believe you have an ounce of the sort of malice in your body that would
make those sorts of feelings even possible.
I was perhaps reading too much into things you said to me in private plurks, then
which I won't bring up here, in case they are intended to stay private
look, we're friends, but I don't automatically open up, especially to people who I feel are condescending to me or who blame me \
for things my sister did
I still feel like you see the things I do in a worse-than-normal light
and that does make friendship a struggle for me
Fair enough. And friendship is totally a choice, so I wouldn't even want you to feel like you have to be friends with me at all, let alone
be more open with me than you have.
I just... I would rather it be like this, with us openly discussing things when there are problems right away.
Instead of letting it fester and whatever.
Either way.
Obviously I've let a lot of things simmer in my own head about this and I think that in the end, it did make me interpret your motivations
I think you're as guilty of letting it fester as I am
in a less charitable light. I'm really sorry for that.
Isn't that what I just said? Actually, by talking about festering, I was referring primarily to myself.
yes, I typed that before the preceeding post
sorry, sometimes my computer is slow to update plurk for me
that's okay, I can never tell how much Plurk is in real time either.
I am feeling exhausted now so I don't think I can keep this up for much longer, but I want you to know that mostly what I'm feeling now is
1. I'm really, really, really sorry for saying patronizing things. I think very highly of you, I promise! I just suck at communicating
that I guess.
and 2. I'm really, really, really glad we had this talk.
I'm glad that you're glad 
go to bed and sleep easy, okay?
no more crying over me. if I say something hurtful, bring it up.
I can certainly be an ass at times, and shouldn't get away with it
and I don't want to hurt you
okay, I promise I will. Thanks for telling me your thoughts (and thanks for remembering stuff with better clarity than me)
or anyone else, for that matter
that's okay. I appreciate you hearing me out.
Alright, I'm off to bed now. I hope you have a good day/night/whatever time in the future it is for you right now.
I appreciate you hearing me out too! XD
night for me! I am off to bed too, probably at a much more reasonable hour than you
6am for me!
ugh. get some sleep
I'm going, I'm going! <3