/CAPS LOCK GRUMBLE/
so either I'm a failure at hosting parties
or everyone sucks
yes I mad
I had to come home to a filthy apartment where people don't clean up their shit in the kitchen
spend 45 minutes working my ass off to get it clean
while my roommates sit around on their asses on their computer
(with valid excuses of being sick but still irked me)
one person shows up on time, the others show up late but whatever, ti's cool
even my married friend comes and that is super cool b/c I never see him
I put on an episode of anime for the time being and once it's off I'm like OH BOY PARTY LET'S TALK AND HAVE FUN
and this lasts about a half hour before
HEY SO I BROUGHT MY LAPTOP
Token Tsundere
says
three people at the 'party'
and HEY LOOK NOW IT'S ONLY TSUNDERE TALKING TO HER MARRIED FRIENDS
WHAT A COOL PARTY THIS IS
even when I want to play a game with people and sit down and start having fun it's all about I'M PLAYING MINECRAFT
I'M ON FACEBOOK
WHAT A GREAT PARTY I JUST WENT TO
DID WE DO SOMETHING? I DON'T REMEMBER
GEE WHAT WERE WE THERE FOR
it's becuase I didn't have a fucking cake isn't it
fuck even when the pizza got here I had to be like HEY FUCKERS THERE'S FOOD HERE COME FUCKING GET IT
GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND PUT YOUR UFCKING COMPUTERS AWAY
god I wanted to be super passive aggressive and put on the "it's my party and i'll cry if I want to" and go cry in the bathroom but NO
I HAVE TO BE AN ADULT NOW BECAUSE I'M ~20~ AND ~OLD~
and apparently "being an adult" means letting your friends shit all over your party
fuck I'm really upse
only the power of smile precure's op/ed on repeat is keeping me from getting extremely upset
that and the alcohol I consumed after everyone left
yep, they ALL left early, not just the one or two friends who had homework
it's like "OH ONE PERSON'S LEAVING? I GUESS I CAN GO HOME AND KEEP PLAYING GAMES / FACEBOOK THERE! HURR"
"THERE'S NOT EVEN CAKE HERE SO WHY AM I HERE"
so in the end my party turned out to be like four hours of people sitting watching tv / on their computers
with a fun game with cool people tkaing place around them
for maybe an hour
then the rest of the night was me trying to act indifferent and not upset while watching internet videos with my roommate and old roommate
SUPER FUN BIRTHDAY PARTY
LET'S TOTALLY DO THIS AGAIN
fuck and the worst part of all this shit is I blame my fucking self
"TSUNDERE YOU'RE A FUCKING FAILURE AT HOSTING PARTIES"
"EVEYRONE LEFT BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T PLAN ENOUGH THINGS TO DO"
"YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE FORCEFUL AND TOLD THEM TO GET OFF THEIR COMPUTERS"
"YOU RUINED YOUR PARTY BY NOT TAKING CHARGE AND MAKING PEOPLE PLAY GAMES"
"YOU DIDN'T BUY A CAKE AND GET CANDLES"
"YOU DIDN'T PUT UP ENOUGH DECORATIONS"
"YOU DIDN'T HAVE PEOPLE SING TO YOU"
"YOU DIDN'T PUT ON A MOVIE WE COULD MAKE FUN OF
OR EVEN DO ANYTHING INTERESTING OTHER THAN TALK WITH PEOPLE"
"GOOD JOB FUCKING UP YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY"
gee thanks social anxiety, I'm really glad I have you in my head
"NO PROBLEM TSUNDERE, ANYTIME YOU HAVE A PROBLEM LET ME JUMP IN AND MAKE IT WORSE"
god dammit I'm fucking upset and mad and fuck everyone
how am I supposed to communicate this anyways
I want to be super passive aggressive but that never helps
but what else am I supposed to say, "hey, btw, just letting you know that your computer use at my party was really uncool"?
what is that going to accomplish
it's just going to make people feel like shit, then everyone feels like shit
god dammit FUCK EVERYONE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
I'M WORKING 16 HOURS THIS WEEKEND FUCK YOU GUYS I CAN PARTY ON MY OWN
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
fuck the internet is more excited to celebrate my birthday than my own friends
*i bet the internet will be
if I release anything this weekend and say "oh hey it's AB's birthday" it's all gonna be like
OH OUR FAVORITE TRANSLATOR, HAPPY BDAY!!
if I do a livestream of manga translating tomorrow I'll have people popping in and talking to me and actually wanting to hang out with me
instead of LOL I BROUGHT MY COMPUTER TO A PARTY
I'm seriously offended btw
like
really, really offended
I would never bring shit like that to someone's party
why did anyone think that was okay
WHY did ANYONE think that was OKAY?!
seriously if your mom was like "my friend ish aving a birthday party" would you bring your computer?
no you would fucking SOCIALIZE with people
not bringyour fucking computeR FUCK!
WHY WOULD YOU BRING YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER TO A FUCKING PARTY
WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
fuck
maybe drinking that energy drink wasn't a good idea an hour ago
the energy is being channeled into my anger
not even the sweet melody of "smile! smile! smile! smile! smile! purikyua~" can save me at this moment
I feel like I'm becoming so distant from friends who used to be close to me and I don't know why
if it's because of the whole AX thing, if it's because of the depression I went through
if it's because they're busy with work and school, if it's because I'm busy on the weekends with work
if it's because they don't care about me or they're just having problems of their own
I just feel pulled apart and I don't know how to get people to come closer
I try to talk to people but some people I jsut don't see so often
and then when we talk it's lik ethey're not interested in talking or telling me anything
it's like, why
nowadays I'm feeling more and more like
like what aaron said during AX masquerade
"if you don't do it, tsundere, nobody else will"
am I doomed to be that person?
Token Tsundere
will
nobody do anything with me unless I invite them to do something?
Token Tsundere
will
I have to be the person to start talking to people?
what about days when I feel sad and lonely? will people just ignore me?
I feel like I care more about other people than people care about me
I'm lucky to have a roommate that cares a lot about me and actually asks me if I'm okay and pushes me to say what I actually feel
and I'm lucky to have a few of my friends who'll actually invite me to do stuff
but I dunno if I can count more than five friends who I feel geniunely want to hang out with me
less now that I've had this failure of a party
it just goes to show me who really cares, you know
the people who were suggesting things to do, the people who wanted to talk, the people who got down on the floor and played with me and
laughed with me and helped me clean a little
I felt like they actually cared about being there, they actually cared about hanging out and enjoying time together with me
the moment people started pulling out thei rcomputers it was like
"why are you here?"
"seriously, why are you here?"
"go the fuck home if you don't want to be here, I'm not forcing you"
I mean at least max and sarah were up front about having to go and do things
I felt like everyone else felt forced into staying or was too bored to even consider tlaking to one another
sigh
why am I still talking, there's only like three people on here who will read this
only two were actually at the party and one already knows all this shit
I just need a place to get this shit off my chest because
god dammit I'm really freaking upset right now
it's really hurt my feelings and it's not going to be a one-day "oh I got over it"'
because really
fuck me for not being more of a bitch and telling people to close their computers
fuck me for feeling like it's all my fault for bein a failure
and fuck everyone who brought their fucking computers
I'm going to try not to cry myself to sleep and enjoy my
SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE
PRETTY CURE
First of all, I sincerely apologize for bringing my laptop and making you feel as though you were not a good hostess. It was your birthday,
and I had no right to act as though I was bored with you and the party. Second of all, I think we should talk about this and everything else
face to face so we can talk things over in a way that might help your social anxiety. I understand the things that happened at AX effected
you deeply and was hurtful to you, but I think you need to talk it out with people in order to try and work past it. That's just my opinion.
You can ignore it if you like, but I will say this Kat-- I don't want to become distant friends with you. I miss you a lot, and I miss the
way we used to hang out so comfortably. And I know it's hard to explain your frustrations to people. Trust me, I'm dealing with my own
issues too. But I feel like if you don't, we won't understand you and then we'll become even more distant.
Maybe I'm part of the problem that keeps bothering you now. After what I did last night, I can understand how I would be. But letting it
gnaw at you isn't good for you, Kat.
That's all I want to say. I hope you'll at least accept my apology, if not my advice. Though an apology over Plurk is hardly anything, I
know. I am always here, as ever, to listen to you if you need someone to rant and vent to.
--Rose
;; thanks Rose
I...I dunno. I'm just dealing with a lot of this stuff now to be honest
I mean, I went through counseling for a month and a half this summer to help with the depression and bring me back to my feet
But I'm just kind of realizing that the last three years of me "being social" is a desperate attempt to feel like someone likes me
which is stupid because a lot of people like me, and I just had an epiphany the other day talking to Alex
that even when I think I'm being annoying or weird, people don't care, they just take it for who I am and don't hold it against me
And I've been getting better at getting stuff off my chest
But I've still got this feeling that "nobody wants to talk about what happened six-eight months ago"
Especially when nobody else has issues about it like I do
I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to Rob about how angry I am at him for what happened with the officers last year
I don't think I'll ever be able to tell people from AX Masquerade how upset I was with the way things went
and for that matter, the way I was treated during and after the convention
But enough of all that, we can talk in person.
I miss hanging out with you too ;_; it just feels like you're always super busy and then when I do see you in club you don't seem to want to
talk or anything
I dunno. I'm working on it but I'm still very afraid to approach people, with the fear that I've done or will do something
to make them unhappy with me
so.
I'm glad you're trying to work through it. I don't think you necessarily need to tell Rob/the people from Masq about how you feel...but
discussing it with someone else and getting out all your feelings is a good start.
Also I'm sorry I've been unapproachable lately-- like I said, I have some issues of my own that I've been trying to keep separate from when
I get the rare chance to hang out with you guys. Don't be afraid to poke me.