can't find my black dress pants, just the shortest goddamn skirt i own

just realized i need to print my resume and I have no printer

or rather

the printer is in the linen closet under the towels

UNDER THE TOWELS

someone please check in on me via text around 11 AM today, just to make sure I haven't flung myself from a building

or... ditched the interview

which is much the same thing

feel free to register deep amazement at the fact that I have all these neuroses and yet am now a chain smoker

by which I mean NOT a chain smoker

there is now no way that i won't be at least five minutes late

i want to die

i mean not literally