"a store detective discovered him, noticing the large bulge in the frontal regions of his trousers"

"But sir! You see, it's not really for me--there's the girl I want to impress!"

Subtitle: "His ego deflated after being caught"?

"the man claimed he had some drilling to do in his bedroom, but was unequipped for the task"

The guy has a loose screw or two to take care of... (ouch! sorry!)

"Is that an orbital sander in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Barrooo? O.o