I know I just did on my last plurk and

this isn't really a rant but

last semester when I broke down in front of my writing teacher she asked me a question that's been haunting me ever since

she asked me if I belonged in college

it was the first time anyone had ever asked me that

my dad would never let me drop out but that's beside the point

I told her that, if I weren't in college, I had no idea what else I would be doing

and that was the truth

what would I do if I weren't a student?

I have been a student since my earliest memory

it's all I know how to do

go to class, homework, study, take tests

I've had jobs before, but I'm always miserable at them and become bored with them quickly and quit

which is why I figure if I'm not in college I'd be even more miserable than I am already

and this is coming from a me that's crying my eyes out right now

if I weren't in college, I wouldn't have my parents to lean on

I'd have to get my own house, my own car (maybe), my own insurance

well, apartment at least

and that scares the fucking shit out of me

I can't take care of myself

I don't think I'd ever be capable of living on my own

not just because the silence of living alone kinda weirds me out

but because, in moments like this, I'm afraid of where I might go

I've had suicidal thoughts before but never more than "well what if"

and I'm afraid that if I'm alone with those thoughts, truly alone like I would be if I didn't live in my dorm or with my parents

that I would act on those thoughts

especially if I dropped out of college and had to rely on 6 month jobs because of my fucking ADD tendency personality

anyway

that was just a lot of shit that I had to get off my chest in the apex of my breakdown

right now my future looks really bleak and that scares the fucking shit out of me

it's like this huge, dark curtain just recently descended over me

and I can't see what direction I'm going and I'm just stumbling blindly in whatever direction people tell me to go

I used to think I had a plan and that was a plan I was going to stick to for 4 years

but suddenly that plan feels like it's disintegrating and I'm more lost than I've ever been in my entire life

I've never been without a map before, and I am scared out of my mind

so scared and I don't know who I could turn to about this shit

my counselors would set up their plan for me and a year from now I'll be right back in this fucking hole

my mom might try and help me but she hates when I get like this

my dad, he'd tell me to get over it and finish college

my friends would help me but I'm supposed to be the strong, supportive one

I'm the stone, and people have that expectation from me

in all honesty I'm the least stable one out of my friends

it's just the other unstable ones show it and show it off for attention

I'm not capable of getting help and that's part of the reason why I'm so fucking miserable and alone and lost

ok I'm gonna try and go to sleep and maybe I won't feel like such a huge fucking pile of shit in the morning

fuck

aw man rose i don't ):

i dont know what to say..

idk of this makes anything different but

i can sort of relate. like

im pretty sure im not gonna like whatever career i choose bc

idk im like that guy in office space and its probly gonna suck

but

if you ever need to hear an outside voice just text meee!

seriously i have no friends

seriously

none

and if college didnt work out then.

well thats not the most important thing really

bc idk id porbably be just as bored with my life whether or not i finished

idk

it's ok claire I still like you

yay