today is one of those days

I feel like a completely different person from before I left

and not in a good way

I was going to the gym, doing good in school, I had self-confidence, I was proud of myself

stressed out, but with good reason

it's like as soon as I got off the plane in San Antonio, all of that left me

my physical strength was shot, my confidence was gone

I did all of their PT and all it did was nearly get me back to where I was before I left

here, I'm the bottom of the totem pole

I'm the jackass

people stare at me like I'm doing something phenomenally wrong constantly

I could come out of my dorm feeling like everything is going my way

but they stare at me, and that's all gone

at least when I had my nose ring or my mohawk, I knew why people were staring at me

it seems like whenever something goes really well, there's always something else that brings me crashing back down

I want to go home

talking to a chaplain is only a bandaid on the problem

talking about it at all is only a bandaid

I don't know how to fix it

I don't know where my confidence went

and no matter how many people tell me "you're stronger than you think you are" it doesn't sink in

nothing in my life has ever made me feel more worthless

I thought the military would give me a sense of purpose

I thought wrong