It’s like everything happens fast
I look at other people and it’s like I can tell that they’re experiencing life slower than I am
They have time to think and to make decisions
And I don’t?
When I’m in a conversation, I don’t have time to think
People bounce from one response to the next and all I have time to do is process before I’m talking

I just say stuff
And sometimes it comes out wrong or it’s not what I should’ve said or it just sounds... weird
And then I get Looks from people and then everything stops
It slows down again and I realize that my brain started moving Fast and I didn’t realize and then I got weird because I didn’t think about what I was supposed to do before I did it

I have no idea if this makes sense
But it’s not some quirky thing where I have a stupid thought to do something I shouldn’t or take a risk and I’m actively choosing to do it
That’s not an impulse
That’s risk-taking
An impulse is just when there’s this weird energy in my head that pushes me forward to just start doing or saying things without thinking

I don’t have time to think about it
I don’t realize that my brain got all Fast until one of the impulses is wrong and something signals me that I need to stop
I can’t just slow down and think because I’m not choosing to go fast
Everything just blurs and then suddenly I’m too loud or too weird or I made a mistake and then it stops

And the stopping is the worst, actually
I hate that part
It always feels icky

Not to say that I don’t have control over my actions or that I don’t mean anything I say
It just happens faster
And when it happens and I stop I always look around at other people and realize they don’t know why I did it because their head wasn’t rushing through the situation like mine was
And I can’t imagine what that’s like

Sorry idk if this makes sense at all
I’ve just spent like two weeks feeling gross after every interaction I’ve had because I feel like I’ve been getting things Wrong more often lately and I’ve just been, like... off my game

Like playing a song on the piano but moving your hands just one key to the left and playing it like that
You’re playing it right and just working from muscle memory and yet every single note sounds Wrong
But no one around you has ever heard the song before, so you don’t know if they notice

They might give you a weird look because they feel like what you just played was... a little weird, but they aren’t sure and they don’t wanna say anything
Or maybe they think it sounds awful and they just want you to stop
But they don’t say anything
So you have no idea if you’re getting it right or playing it off well or if you look stupid

You know? Everything I’ve said recently and everything I’ve posted and all my jokes or sincere moments have all felt like they’re just a little off
And maybe you guys don’t think I’ve been any different
But I feel like things have been moving too fast and I’ve been awkward and worried I’m making people uncomfortable or annoyed whenever I talk

^ not a request for reassurance, I’m fine /gen
Just a thing that happens from time to time and I think it’s the impulsivity thing meeting insecurity and I’m just curious as to whether anyone can relate or not

yeah I understand this! it's like when people say "Think Before You Speak/Act" and you think to yourself wait is there a moment before speaking...?

I thought I received stimulus and jerked like a dead toad getting electrocuted 🤔
kind of a morbid simile but like that?

Yes yes precisely
“Think before you speak” I am nothing more than a dead toad man idk what more you want from me /j

it makes perfect sense, Lane!

and I know it wasn't a request for reassurance,but I promise you've never made me uncomfortable or annoyed at all /gen

aww, thank you /gen