uhhhh I'm the hero

So... bad news, boss.

Bad and worse news.

Who let you in here!?

Guards! Seize her!

well I didn't see the body but I definitely got 'em

-oh

My head drops to the floor, having already been killed

So the bad news, boss, is that hero is here - I see you already know that one so I'll skip to the worse news.

There uh. Aren't any more guards.

you test my patience, svensational

Listen, boss, I'm just telling you, ain't nothing coulda been done!

Escort yourself to the dungeon

Honestly I'm just here because nobody was applying for the hero job and I couldn't get a job anywhere else

I just wanna collect a paycheck y'know

Maaan. Aight, boss. Good luck with the hero!

capitalism

deerleisure: have you considered a career in villainy?

I feel like finishing things here would mean I'm unemployed

........How much does villainy pay?

I offer very competitive rates for beginner henchmen with opportunities to make a full career depending on how ruthless you are

You know what I'm convinced

Sign me up!

If you’re willing to backstab a few people I see no reason you couldn’t be one of my loyal generals by this time next year

I'm willing to do p much anything if I get paid!

You WILL have to join IAGAH 125

International Association of Goons And Henchmen

We have a union!?!

I didn't even get dental as the hero!

But you’ll get health insurance and full dental

Heroes don’t get dental!?

But they always have such shiny teeth...

We get a uhhhh $200 medical spending card that we can use for dental

Well anyway, your first task is to escort UltraDude to the dungeon since he failed me in his mission to kill you

got it, boss!

wait hold up

boss you said to "take care of them" so i sent them a care package and fruit basket

was that not right

Excellent......everything is going according to plan..............

deerleisure: how would you rate lastbastion’s fruit basket?

much better than anything the hero side sent me!

...

....just checking. We ARE the bad guys right?

well we do have a dungeon for failures

Did I invest in this obsidian palace of darkness for nothing?

That depends, was it ethically sourced obsidian or did you chuck some virgins in the volcano while you were there?

They were ethically sourced virgins....?

Hmm. We may have a problem, or may not.

They were mainly incels

We definitely have a problem.

I ordered the gyro you were asking for, boss

They didn’t put yogurt sauce on it did they? I hate yogurt sauce

no yogurt sauce, just something called ta-cheeky

Augh

RAZE THEIR VILLAGE TO THE GROUND AMD LEAVE A ONE STAR REVIEW ON YELP!

Theeeere we go.