Truly there can be no celebrating without this
im awake and ready to HATE
OH BOY!
So nice of them to release this before I had to go into airplane mode
Though I regret to inform the author, Balsam Hill is no longer The Boring Fancy White Person tree of choice, they've gone mainstream since partnered with Hallmark, it's now Hammacher Schlemmer for stupidly overpriced trees.
me: peppermint bark slaps actually [reads on] BUT NOT FOR SIXTY BUCKS??
crossthesky: okay but how do YOU know this
"Good luck trying that on your boss when you start your internship at Credit Suisse, young lady!" ..........when did my guy even write this lmf
My mom is obsessed with Hallmark and wanted 'the Hallmark brand tree', which is Balsam Hill. So I got to learn all about the fake Christmas tree biz.
That's fair
And I found so many blogs and posts and things complaining about Balsam Hill not being an exclusive brand anymore, but at least Hammacher Schlemmer is!
Looool
Which is dumb, because like...they still have their stupid expensive line of luxury trees that cost over a thousand dollars, but I guess they're tainted now because they also offer hundred dollar trees and payment plans.
FINALLY
YEAH
YES!!!
this is one of the most egregious 
just... go to the dollar store
Yeah that might be the very worst in terms of value/price
Bows are crafted of lush polyester velvet. SO POLYESTER
THEY'RE PLASTIC.
The bows are so bad
Hell, splurge and go to the craft store! Nice bows, a fraction of the price!
The bows don't even have a logo or anything on them, they are just bows!
They could have been tartan bows!
Omg, I'm sorry ' buy the whole Beef Wellington for $139.95....' I ORDERED BEEF WELLINGTON FOR CHRISTMAS FROM A LUXURY HOME CATERING BRAND AND IT WAS LESS THAN THAT!!!
THE FRIDGE???????????
And they brought it right to my door to for free!
HELL YEAH
crying 
Oh I am both laughing and also shaking my head in disgust.
Andley is ABSOLUTELY being deadnamed
Oh, but these marshmallows were simmered in copper kettles, you tell me. And in Denver. Yes, Denver: Land Of Marshmallows. I love visiting that fair candyland and prancing along its chocolate cobblestone streets, gazing up at the peppermint clock tower, and licking sour crystals off of strangers passing by. Denver is Santa Claus's Winter White House!
LAND OF MARSHMALLOWS
That is THE UGLIEST FRIDGE I've EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE
The fridge looks like something you'd see in a thrift store around here (US southwest) that has been sitting there for years and has dropped down five times in price.
I had no idea this was a thing and I am delighted
"That creamy center? You guessed it: pure Denver marshmallow. You've never eaten a plate this good! And don't worry, this plate is, like that one mug, "fully glazed." You know what else is fully glazed? Me after I smoke a fatty." CRYING
white as a Denver marshmallow
CHAMPAGNE SABRE ...and display wood
I'll take ten
ok I can vouch for a champagne sabre being cool as hell, tho
My sister got one for my dad last year and he was SO chuffed
Yeah I do agree that life would be cooler using swords to open things
I genuinely need one in my life
truthfully... what is stopping us from opening things with swords
Thank you so much for sharing this, this is magnificent
All should get to enjoy true hateration
I'm still getting through this, but I am thoroughly entertained thank you for sharing