i feel too overwhelmed to do anything more tonight but too restless to sleep just yet

but i do have to be up early to finish packing

since i go to my parents tomorrow

this time of year has been so fucking hard since we lost my brother

since his birthday would have been january 10th

and my mom's birthday is december 10th

everything between thanksgiving and end of january is just stress and awful

and i try to compensate with thoughtful gifts and carrying on the traditions that my parents are okay with carrying on (some are too painful, i get that)

but it's never enough and it always makes it feel like i'm never enough, so

it just sucks

and i've done my best to temper my expectations, because that's what my therapist tells me

but it's very hard to tell your heart not to hope

(also luna is having serious zoomies while i'm sitting here like in tears so that's not super helpful, sweetie

Thinking of you

thank you, lovely. it’s just a rough time of year and it’s all getting to me

i think it's extra hard having something happen plus all the holiday cheer being shoved in your face, like HEY AREN'T YOU HAPPY, THIS IS A HAPPY TIME, EVERYONE ELSE IS HAPPY

that's a huge factor, absolutely. like i SHOULD be happy, i WANT to be happy, but i'm NOT and it sucks

<3333333

just dumping this here because it's further frustration

dad said we'd leave at noon, so okay i'm getting ready for noon, get luna her meds and in her carrier

no actually it'll be closer to one

oh

(her anxiety meds take about an hour to 90 minutes to kick in, so i need to do that ahead of time)

and then further internet fuckery. it went down while i was there over thanksgiving and was just super spotty

dad: we got a new cable laid for your internet connection
me: awesome, thanks!!
dad: ... but i cut it on accident with the lawn mower before i buried it
me: ... ah
dad: but they're coming to fix it today!
me: hnnn

like guys plz i work remotely