i had intended at floating a few hours at my second job this afternoon, but i just felt... hmm

my energy just dropped off really sharply and i thought if i rested a few hours, had some quiet time, i could ralley

but i kept extending that rest period like maybe, MAYBE, if i just sit for five more minutes, i'll recoup somehow

and was honestly really angry with myself when i couldn't

but like logically - i have three scheduled hours tomorrow with job2, and i think that adding on the hours i was going to do today to that will be easier?

instead of today, where i'd have to switch from job1 to job2

it's still tutoring, but the details are completely different

so there's a gear change

so i think tonight, chill

and get a decent night's sleep

and see if i can't pull together a few extra hours tomorrow

instead of being mad at myself for "failing" today

(failing in quotes because having fatigue due to chronic illness is NOT a failure)

the overwhelmed/overstimulated feeling continues today, i fear

not only did i not do the extra work i wanted, i also cut an hour off my scheduled time, just in case. i hope to still complete all the hours, but i wanted to have that cushion in case i start crashing towards the end, as seems to be happening a lot recently

i think part of it is the holidays, and the stress that comes with that

holidays aren't really a happy time for my family after we lost my brother, and i always feel pressured to try to make them so despite knowing that this is an unreachable goal

i leave for my parents' on wednesday and don't get a full day off until next sunday, free of work or appointments or obligations

but then i'll also be with my family so really i don't get a full day off until... next year. which i think is getting to me