spoilers from this point on bc im gonna flail and gush and dump all my thoughts here as i read it

the work of rodents or insects or eldritch abominations (there was no way to know which)

his life...

Behind us, Rosa carried her own light while Cooper carried the conversation. WHO THE FUCK IS COOPER

I’d been silently listening to Cooper, the newest member of our crew NEWEST MEMBER OF OUR CREW EXCUSE ME

/sits here to watch your reactions

onlilypads: please keep me company while i act very normal about this

I will do my best if the phone lets me have a break!!!!

We picked him up in Cutoff Cove, on the west bank of Oregon a week earlier. A hot tip sent us that way, thinking we might be of some use.

-adds oregon to the list of places and cases on Jack's ever-growing 'i'm actually a hunter now' list

I love this for you

kaitniss: thank u i also love this for me a very normal amount

Thankfully, Rosa was able to do some last-minute networking and discovered a group of vloggers who’d received the same tip as us.

That’s how we met Cooper.

He was the founder of a group of paranormal researchers looking into the fog disappearances, and when Rosa reached out, they were more than happy to “combine resources.”
oh my god he's a ghostfacer

the jack townsend is becoming dean winchester pipeline grows shorter every day... he has his own ghostfacer....

head in hands

Where did the old town go each time? We’ll never know.

Who were all these replacement people? Beats me.

Is this going to just keep happening every year from now until the end of eternity? Shit, probably, I guess.

lmfao

jack

Ironically, the thing that really bothered me about Cooper had nothing to do with him at all. The thing that crawled under my skin and made me want to explode with annoyance and barf all over his stupid face was the mind-boggling fact that the two people whose opinions I valued the most–Jerry and Rosa–actually liked the guy.

oh no he's jealous

Cooper was a business-bro through and through. He was the one who found and courted all of his team’s sponsors, set up their streams, coded their SEO floopdedoop, Zoogled their whatsabutts, and optimized their bleep-blop accounts.

jack your technology disconnect is showing

If it sounds like I didn’t understand a word he was saying when he first explained it, that’s because I don’t care about any of that stuff. All I know is that there is theoretically a way to use the internet to turn words into food… It seemed like chaos magic to me.

lmf

omg

(Man, again I'm struck by how well you capture canon's writing style when writing him.)

onlilypads: oh my god u have no idea how deeply pleased i am to hear it

there are so few canon familiar people in dwrp i can never be sure so when someone is, it consoles me on a spiritual level

And that’s how we ended up here–a week later, in Bumphoque, Mississippi, outside of a zoo that hadn’t been operational since a hurricane flooded the county somewhere back in the late 20th century.

another entry for the list... my boy has been to so many places on so many cases since vol 4... so proud of him

(bumphoque... bumfuck... really)

OH MY GOD HE MADE THE WENDIGOON CREEP CAST VIDEO CANON

it's too meta, i can't, jack you gotta fuckin stop

i'm dying

face in hands

canon wendigoon............

did he have to link it

“I mean, this whole thing, it’s not really what we do. The breaking into a spooky place and getting into stupid trouble, sure. That’s our brand. There’s just something inherently gross about pandering for internet engagement so the tech oligarchs will give us a turn at the revenue teet.

I mean, we’ve faced down literal gods and nearly watched the world end, and I still believe there’s nothing more inherently destructive to culture and society than the infinite-scroll doom machine that we’re currently bolstering with our own participation.”

i love him, your honor

for an occasionally smooth brained space cadet he's also such a moralistic fucking dork

aggressively liberal, slightly self-righteous, introspective analytical neurotic high horse nerd

that's my son

“I don’t know,” she said. “Seems a bit egotistical to think that our contribution is going to make any difference.”

“And maybe that’s part of it, too. The idea that we as individuals don’t have any power to stop the monster. And if we don’t dance, then we starve. Is there any ethical way to exist in this late-stage capitalistic techno-dystopian hellscape? Or are we just destined to be the cogs in a-”

preach, brother

if i had a dollar for every time i've said 'late stage capitalistic dystopian hellscape' in the last year........ the reason im ic is because i'm a soulbonder. this is really what it boils down to.

HE IS JEALOUS!! jack/rosa endgame?????

As Rosa walked away, Cooper nudged me on the hip and said, “Man, that chick is crazy.”

“Come again?”

“I’m just saying, she’s been after me since Cutoff Cove.”

I didn’t care for how chummy he had suddenly become. But I also couldn’t entirely deny that Rosa had shown an attraction to him that I found completely baffling.

jealous!!

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he interrupted. “She wants the D, Jack. Admit it. I’m right.” I reflexively clenched my fist. He didn’t seem to notice. “She strikes me as a clinger, though. Know what I mean?”

“No.”

jealous

“Is it just me, or is there something really weird about these meat golems?”

“Ah!” I said, reflexively. “Meat golems. Yes. That’s what they are. Why not?”

yep

just

yep

/chinhands

your happiness is so congagious thank you

lmfagjeajrlkja

i've been waiting for the next installment of tales from the road for months im just so happy

i'll be even happier when mcp releases his audio version of it

he's usually way quicker on narrating the blog posts than he is the books

20 minutes of what i consider jack's canon voice is enough 2 sustain my motivation for another 6 months lmf

“Anything’s possible,” Cooper said, contributing nothing of value to the conversation.

god he's just so petty and salty sometimes and i'm so stoked every time i get to see it because it validates my characterization afresh

salty and petty and jealous and in complete denial about all three of those things

And no, dear reader. Let me stop you right there before you draw the wrong conclusion. I was not jealous. I was simply worried for my friend. The same way I’d be worried for anybody who thought Cooper was someone worth spending time in a haunted zoo with.

OKAY JACK SURE

d e n i a l

I couldn’t help but clock the way her fingers moved on his shoulder. It was subtle, but undeniably affectionate.

definitely not jealousy, nah, that's absurd

I tried to rush back the way we came, but Jerry ran past me, seeking the hiding spot behind a column, I pivoted and ran towards the column right as he turned and ran back towards the stairway, then we both traded spaces again, then, in a final pathetic attempt at coordination, we collided directly into one another and collapsed onto the ground.

face in hands

absolute fucking morons

the both of them

cartoonish scooby doo ass morons

Dammit, I thought. Why couldn’t it have been demons?

Demons are easy.

Not to sound too reductive, but it’s true. With a few notable exceptions, demons are among the simplest encounterees we’ve crossed paths with.

whispers discount dean winchester

All you need is a quick ceremony, or some holy water, or a Latin incantation, or some salt… honestly, when you consider the number of weaknesses demons have in our world, it’s a wonder they keep trying to break through.

i still cannot believe i'm playing two hunters on absolute accident

im gonna app jack into a game with a dean already in it that isn't me and just

burden them with my presence constantly

We had to use Rosa’s legal power as an internet-ordained priestess to bless the hot sauce, which we then used to vanquish the nest of demons

oh good reason 4363 that someone should play Rosa

my boy....

what a good boy

also i love that like. jack puts off this impression that he's a mild-mannered compliant follower that doesn't really assert himself much, but then sometimes he goes full aggro dom mode

and it makes me so happy

I know I’m famously terrible at reading the room, at understanding interpersonal relationships. But this, whatever it was, made zero sense to me. As he leaned back in to make contact with her again, I stepped forward and said. “She told you to back off!”

Jerry finally reached the top of the steps behind me. Panting, he looked at the rest of us, then asked, “What happened?”

I tried to form a coherent answer, but with the adrenaline spike wearing off faster than I was used to, the only thing I could do was point at Cooper and say, “This asshole!”

“Classic Jack,” Cooper teased, walking up behind her. “Captain buzzkill. This is why nobody likes you.” He put one hand around her waist and squared up right in front of me. I looked at him. Then at her.

this entry is fucking feeding me yall

im eating so good

“Let me take this one, babe,” Cooper said. “Jack, I’m gonna explain this in a way you’ll understand. We’re all getting kinda sick of you. Always whining and moping and using weird french words like ‘portmanteau’ to try and sound smart.

And frankly, there’s no need for two alpha males in the pack. So why don’t you do the honorable thing and leave? We’re just… how do I put this? We’re better off without you.”

oh geeze

I pulled my hands free from Rosa’s, reared back, and swung at his face as hard as I could.

YES MY BOY

GO JACK GO

god i love his character development SO MUCH

the start of the series he was just this reactive, disconnected apathetic dude and now

gestures

look how my son has grown

he really has /chinhands

You've reached the bottom of this story. Thank you! There is more, but you'll have to wait until I have time to print it out and retype the entire thing into my blog (I was recently cursed by an evil wizard and can't use copy + paste anymore). BUT, if you want to finish the story now, you can find where I originally wrote the whole thing on my ko-fi.

well good news

i have supported him on ko-fi several times over the last few years so i guess this is a double-spoilers warning for anyone that hasn't and wants to wait for him to post the next part to his blog

The scientist flinched when I spoke. “You’re awake again?”

“Again?”

“Yes, we had to shoot you six times just to tie you up. These tranqs are designed to drop a charging elephant. You should be in a coma right now. How are you even alive?”

lmf... about that....

“It’s a long story.”
“You know you bit one of the soldiers?”
Jerry snickered and gave me a good job head nod.

my son

“I’m sure you’ve got a lot of questions. As do we. I’ve convinced the others to let you live, but only as long as you cooperate. First things first: who else knows you’re here?”

“Joe,” said Jerry.

“Joe? Joe who?” the man asked.
“Joe Mama.”
“And where might I find this Joe Mama?” He really didn’t seem to get the joke.

Jerry kept going, “He lives down in Ligma.”

jerry

please

lmf

The scientist chuckled. “While I applaud the Hail Mary maneuver, it isn’t going to work. We already know exactly who you are. The United States has dossiers on all three of you.” He approached me first, sized me up, and said, “Jack Townsend–mentally troubled man with a shady past.”

“That’s a bit of an oversimplification,” I mumbled.

of COURSE

He kept going, walking up to Jerry and saying, “Jeremy Pascal–presumed dead former cult leader slash adult film star.”

“Perfect,” Jerry said. “That’s me distilled into nine words.”

LMAO

adult film star????????

The three of us answered at the same time. We also answered differently.

“No,” I said.

“Yes,” said Jerry.

“Is it going to be a pun?” asked Rosa.

“I call it…” he said, pausing for emphasis, “Orse power.”

“You son of a bitch,” Rosa shouted. “I’ll kill you!”

i love her

omg

Gaston had been semi-possessed for the last week by an entity that manifested in my mind as the most recent annoying person I’d encountered. And even though Gaston looked perfectly normal to everyone else, I was seeing him as Cooper. And he was feeding off of my negative energy…

god i'm so pleased, he continues to be slightly psychic but in like the most

weird and unhelpful ways

the totally inexplicable and abstract ways Jack's weird reality bending brain manifests the supernatural is just so fucking good

I explained, “Our dog had half a demon stuck.”

Doctor Gordon took a long, deep breath through his nose, then asked, “What?”

Jerry reiterated, “What part of ‘Our dog had half a demon stuck’ don’t you understand?”

wellp

it was incredible

i'm deeply satisfied

This has been a good plurk.

lmao thank you for accompanying me on this journey

i have never been even slightly disappointed by new tales canon drops

it is the one canon i follow that i know in my heart will never let me down and im so pleased w the update lmfao

flies directly into the sun i'm deceased goodbye.

ahhhhh

the actual author is such a nice dude irl and i'm so glad.

anyway im done gushing now probably i swear sortof

altho i reserve the right to start up again when mcp posts his voice acted version

NEW STORY NEW STORY OMFG

nicknacked: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT

GONNA READ IT AS SOON AS I GET TO WORK