I've been feeling pretty meh lately. I've mostly been really busy with a ton of projects. but today specificially, I stopped one to take a break and then I realized that i didn't know what I wanted to do.

I was then reminded of how someone in my nonexistant FC left a few days ago after only a few days in with no notice

And I know how fickle people can be... it is what it is is.

but the thing that bothers me is that I've tried to be a nice, helpful person. I've tried making them feel welcome and offering to help in any way they needed if they had questions... Part of that is just... I'm happy to be useful and helpful...

the other part was trying to show there was effort being made

And when they left it's whatever, but what hurts is knowing that I've done what I could to try to be there and helpful and they still left... And then I thought back to the one person who was always on who stuck around for a long time before saying sorry they wanted to leave.

I can't blame him. He was very nice about it and he did feel bad. We're still friends. I understand why he wanted to leave. I need to get out there and recruit more and hope that people will stick around, but I get so awkward about sending invites... It feels awkward enough to try to send a tell to see if people would be interested.

I need to put more effort and yet I just feel so awkward about it. So Yeah, I can see why he left. Just the few of us... and we can't really do map nights or w.e when there's so few... there's not much going on.

I get it

Despite that, it still hurts.... So when this other person joined I thought "okay, maybe this is my chance to try to push for it again" and seeing them leave a few days later makes me backpedal like... what's the point

but this isn't exclusive to FFXIV

I think back at so many instances... My feeling like I'm an after thought and that people dont care about me. (which I'm fully aware is NOT TRUE but brain is fucking awful)

I look back to past friendships... even jobs... even my own personal care

and it hit me.... not like it's new news and it's 100% bad brain talking... but i realized....

All of this is just feeling like I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. Nothing I do will matter. No matter how much I try to be better, i will never be good enough.....

And then I realized that deep down i think I'm so awful at taking care of myself because I don't think I deserve to have anything nice....

I know that's bs but why wont the feeling just go away, even if I know that's not true

I always feel so alone and isolated. I always feel like I'll never measure up. I have nothing to show for my hard work.

And now it's too far along that I can't stop it. Imagine if I had a stable job that would keep me above water for finances and maybe I could even afford to get tested for ADHD officially on paper. Imagine if I could afford to look into a therapist.

Imagine if I didn't lose track of time all the time and put off everything. Imagine if I actually kept in touch with people better than what little i do now

It's all too late.

I wish I could love myself more than I do now. I wish I could go back to where I DID love myself

I'm trying my best not to give up on trying. For everything. Im doing my best to try to keep myself from throwing in the towel and letting my depression win

I just feel like I'm drowning and there's nothing to grab onto

I think about how much easier it would be to let it all go. But I also don't want to kill myself. I don't want to die or anything. So while I'm glad that my depression isn't leading me down to plotting my suicide or anything along those lose, it makes me feel lost about what I can do to make it get better

Why do I find it so hard to take proper care of myself? I ask myself that sometimes and the answer is... I don't know.

Why is something thats usually so easy so hard for me to do....

A friend pointed out that it sounded like I had a lot of imposter syndrome in what I was saying and the funny thing is.... I never really considered it for myslef

I have plenty of imposter syndrome characters I play, but then I thought about it and realized he was right

I know I'm harder on myself than I should be and I should be better about it... but it would all make sense

and it's just become more clear to me realizing that I never feel like anything I do or who I try to be will ever be good enough to keep people in my life

I think that's the gist of this plurk? idk...

I wish that I wasn't my own problem or roadblock

its never too late. If taking care of yourself is an issue, you could always start small. Like making a list. A friend of mine is doing this right now and it's just starting but it's great. Her list is simple, something like brushing teeth and making sure she eats 2-3 times a day. She also has a small list of things to get done for a week, such as emptying a

dishwasher and laundry

it could be one different thing a day

I personally love lists (hello Virgo rising) but as I'm typing this I know I need to get to my planner and make sure I write down things such as mailing christmas cards, which I am extending the offer to you to send one to. Nothing is required (such as sending one in return)

I have no yuletide spirit due to where I'm living but I can do a small something to make up for that

it's always easy to beat on yourself (not you you, just a general 'you' ness)

but unfortunately I never seem to win anything when I do get on myself for things

you're always welcome to pm me to chat if you feel alone and isolated. IRL, ya I can understand that feeling too