i'm gonna do a quick timeline of life events that have happened to him since i started playing him (APOC & Folk) that fall into those categories, to help me organize my thoughts

-don shows up ay APOC. we all know he HATES new and alarming things happening to him. he doesn't have the vast majority of his shit or family/friends/other support system, and the new place he's in is ambivalent at best, openly hostile at worst

its also similar to home in structure, but very pointedly Not home. like a model of your home but the furniture is the wrong color, or weirdly sticky. in some ways its worse than being somewhere unrecognizable as earth, because a part of donnie thought surely, he could just get on a train and go back home

he also didn't arrive with his ninpo or any of this things, including his battle shell. the people who 'greeted' him told him he had to wear the disguise they provided or the general public might want to dissect him (nothing new but nowhere to hide this time), then shove him out the door

huge FEAR right off the bat, feeling very vulnerable

he meets his roommate first, which is the most welcome sight he can imagine that isn't a member of his family; a man of science with an existing lab IN THEIR APARTMENT, who after a brief conversation, acknowledges donnie's intelligence and lets him read his work. donnie LATCHES (this is important for later)

-shortly after that he finds Leo, which is a huge relief. Leo is also upset and scared and vulnerable, having been in that place a month alone by his own reports. don assumes Leo will be coming back with him to his place. there's not a lot of room so Leo will have to bunk on the floor or smth, but obviously don needs to be near his lab so there's no choice

leo refuses

leo also seems to be very buddy with some rando Donnie doesn't know, and seems to want to spend all his time with THAT guy (because donnie must b in his lab and leo doesn't want to be in there, none of which is discussed plainly by either twin) so donnie immediately dislikes him

add on that leo tells don things like "peter can maybe help, Peter is good with science" and Donnie takes immediate offense. he doesn't WANT to work with this brother-stealer, is he somehow not good enough to get them home?? no thank you, HE is smart, HE is good with science, and HE will get them both back home where things can go back to normal

cue LOSS of familial support (both twins are to blame here for their trash communication skills) and ANGER over that loss

various disturbing and bad things happen, as well as good things (meeting rue, meeting power), but nothing that intensely affects him

Replying so I can come back later and devour all of this

/slides in to do the same and bunts before going to bed

-donnie forgets leo as part of an event. he KNOWS he's missing a sibling, likely a brother, because his memory is very good and its like someone just lasso tool'd leo out of everything. leo's feelings aside (don knows he's supposed to feel sorry, feel bad for him, but leo is essentially a stranger to him even if donnie correctly guesses who he is)

this unsettles him greatly; his most consistent and reliable form of protection, his mind, is no longer as untouchable as he'd assumed. this scares him even more than losing access to his ninpo

more FEAR and more LOSS

after donnie gets his memory back, he's not much better. he and Leo are still in a strange cold war over peter, over differing opinions regarding not living together, over rodney bc donnie admires him and leo is not a fan of the dude. donnie ends up almost hibernating to death in the mud bc of another event, and RODNEY comes to his rescue

Donnie is pretty much sparkle eyes at rodney at this point. he cares a lot about rue too since they've always been kind and supportive, but he ADMIRES rodney. not just over the science stuff either. rodney THINKS like donnie does, and donnie's never met someone like that. it's the opposite of the othering don experiences in most conversations. they SAME HAT

- and then FOLKMORE happens

sits here and chews on a corner

their weird cold war over Peter still makes me laugh to this day, ngl

COMING BACK TO THIS SHORTLY

SCRATCH THAT COMING BACK TO IT LONGLY, JOB IS JOBBING

JOB WHY MUST YOU JOB

how dare you

capitalism denies us once again

/also camping this plurk

I'M BACK

so, folkmore. donnie, leo, peter, and rue all vanish from APOC and reappear in folk

folk is less immediately scary than apoc, DEFINITELY. also their ninpo is back

however, donnie lost rodney, and (to his current knowledge) any chance of getting to see him again

donnie isn't really the 'holding out hope' romantic type, so for him this is as good as rodney being dead

it's about then that donnie is like "oh. i guess we could lose rue just as easily as that" and about when he starts cooking a way to make interdimensional travel a thing. (on the back burner he's keeping what the fox said in mind, that none of them are really THEM, just versions of them. it's creepily SOMA-esque, not that donnie knows what that game is lmao)

so even though they're in a safer place, he's still experiencing FEAR and LOSS; loss for rodney, and fear that he could lose others, or even fear that if the fox ISN'T lying, the 'him' that is donnie could vanish

also the brother stealer showed up and immediately he and leo got an apartment together and now THEY are thinking to invite HIM, and there's not even a lab in there. oh how the turns have tabled. he is so ANGERY

donnie gets his own place out of spite and is very lonely, but will never admit he was wrong about that and go crawling back, so he stews in his own upset for quite a while

-donnie kills his first guy!!!

not really; he was getting attacked by like. some horrific vision of a space snake and when he shot it in the head, it turned back into a man and he was like OH.......................I SEE

after freaking out for a little while he makes a pallet and starts dragging the dude's body back to civilization, but then the dude wakes up and is not dead so don's like "great there are no lasting consequences, i am obviously fine now"

(he was not fine)

(FEAR and GRIEF here)

the changes over the next year are subtle but consistent. part of it is the Myth side of donnie, the one that leans into obsession, into isolating from or isolating WITH relationships, the one that is desperate to protect itself at any cost. there's still a lot of donnie in all of his motivation, but with the events of the movie and the events of APOC-

-there's foundation enough for the Role traits to dig their metaphysical claws into donnie and start to influence his thinking and decisions. he gets more precise, more pragmatic, a little colder. his overall goal is to protect and deliver his family back home safely, but also he needs to make sure HE is safe and healthy to do so

protection of the self becomes paramount; protection of his family is a second so immediate it might as well overlap

caring about the world, other people not in his 'must protect' category? a STAGGERINGLY distant third

he starts gathering data about interdimensional travel, and THEN

big brother shows up. he clings, uncharacteristically, and raph babies him for a while and for a few moments, donnie remembers that he's allowed to BE protected, too. for a while he forgot what that was like and it's wonderful to have again

still, they need to get home, and now they don't know if mikey is doing okay all by his baby self, so there's a little fear there

-donnie finds new peers/mentors in the forms of viktor and tony!! tony especially seems like a very cool version of what donnie would like to be, and viktor seems like a guy who understands that sometimes bad shit should be done for greater gains (while still observing that a balance is important). viktor feels like a safe person to discuss maybe some of-

-the less happy and heroic thoughts donnie's had, but he doesn't ever actually work up the nerve further than just debating hypotheticals inside a memory world. tony, he's just straight up fun and also VERY VERBOSE about how cool donnie's shit is. he laps it up like a starving dog

casey also shows up, and he knows how donnie likes things and is a pretty decent lab partner! donnie likes him well enough as someone who DID help avert the eventual destruction of their world (which honestly was mutually beneficial for casey also in that he would likewise not die), but he also allowed leo to talk him into self sacrifice, so

arms length

no need to be openly hostile tho, leo's the main perpetrator there. unfair that leo is also the twin and cannot be flung into the sun, but they have their own fight and then eventually make up (mostly) and donnie is never going to admit that he's an unfair person with huge bias

(brother will always be above "someone we met recently" after all, and that includes every motherfucker on earth except april and splinter)

rue is so nice and warm and kind with him and donnie lets himself lean on them every now and then, but rue ALSO tries to get him to go to more parties and sleepovers and whatnot and like. he's busy. but he loves you. but he's busy

rue is also set to benefit from donnie's work so they'll understand (eventually). this logic extends to the rest of the fam

nothing really huge happens until leo gets a peek at how REALLY TERRIFIED donnie was during the invasion, and just how deep he's repressed it. not just the fear, but how angry he is at leo for the decision he made to lock himself away, and that he's AWARE other people look at it as brave and selfless

rue gets another look at it, when they come over to see him and donnie is writing contingency novels

they see the pages and pages and pages of notes; so much that it could wallpaper the apartment dozens of times, and they hit the nail on the head with, "leo hurt you very much by choosing to stay behind, didn't he?" they're right; donnie was DEEPLY hurt, so much so that he doesn't know how to comprehend it.

and then, not long after that, leo's arm gets chopped off

(i forgot to mention earlier, donnie also tells casey if he is in the position again where he could decide to save the world or sacrifice a brother, donnie would stop him from sacrificing a brother however he needed to aka "remove him from the equation" and casey thanked him, so donnie's like 'oh good, you understand' and he left it at that)

that casey is tangentially involved in leo's arm going missing isn't necessarily a red flag for donnie, but he DOES have to wonder why, lately, every time leo almost dies, that kid is involved. there's no direct correlation, but still. the connections can't just be IGNORED

anyway, the first murder donnie did was a little traumatizing but like whatever, it didn't even turn out to be an actual murder; this one is very deliberate, very angry, and very cold. donnie keeps the fae alive and paralyzed with its own poison as he performs surgery on its shoulder and arm, torturing it to see how the nerves work and how the muscles-

-connect, because he knows already that he's making an arm for leo and he will need the hands-on education to make sure it works properly. he records it and watches it often, practicing. that probably desensitizes him, but like whatever, it's not like he's traumatized by THAT death either, dude deserved it

(there's almost constant reinforcement of the things he's scared of, the things he's angry about, the grief and the loss, almost every time something happens. and donnie hardly ever talks about any of it and how he feels with ANYBODY)

occasionally rue can wriggle something loose from him, but scraps are all that's there, and donnie represses any feelings he had almost immediately after. it's under lock and key bayBEEEEE

after all this time doing shadier shit, repressing his feelings, and feeling as if he needs to look after himself (and leo), donnie's also starting to view raph as someone who needs to be looked after. maybe it's because the cracks are starting to show with his big brother; more obvious ones, like the scars over his eye and the cracks in his shell, are-

-already on donnie's radar. he knows raph is blind in his right eye, even if brother hasn't said a word. his brother sticks so diligently to his sleep schedule, that he KNOWS something is wrong. (what's wrong is that raph feels left behind, his brothers grew without him, and one of them grew much, much colder and the other lost his ARM)

baby brother shows up; more to protect. donnie can't let the baby see how terrible it can get. what if mikey does something reckless like try to open a portal again, tries to get them all out? especially after donnie sees that future!leo has future!mikey do JUST THAT in casey's memories

(literally the entire gamut at witnessing that; even the death of his own future self paled in comparison to all the grief and loss and terror and RAGE he felt at that. he hated future leo in that moment)

mikey is his usual cute self and donnie starts working harder than ever to try and figure this problem out. everybody around him encourages him; "if anyone can figure it out, it's you donnie," so naturally he MUST be able to figure it out. he just needs that breakthrough

the idea of mikey losing an arm, getting shot, getting chased through the woods, witnessing other people's horrors- yeah, no, that's not happening to the baby. short of putting michael in a cage to protect him forever, donnie's only option is to work himself to the bone

donnie's at the point now where he can't be dissuaded from the course of action he chooses. that's demonstrated by the fact that donnie elects to perform the surgery for leo's arm the way HE wants to do it, without even allowing his family the opportunity to be dissuaded

(in the middle of all this, april shows up. april knows him better than anyone, and the way she hovers closely does not escape his notice, but april isn't an ENEMY. he's getting her home too. but at this point, donnie's a train without breaks, and no amount of best friend understanding is going to pop the lid on all that hurt and fear he's been pushing down)

NOT MUCH ELSE AFTER THAT!! moments of honest discussion and decompression that focus on how donnie FEELS are very rare, because he doesn't allow them to go that far before he detaches himself

he has a horrific festering boil of fear just beneath the surface

Leo is going to sit on him for so long

can't believe Don got a first person pov to Leo almost dying and took that personally

leo is going to get the brunt of his fear-fueled anger after this

oh boy the correlation does donnie know raph died with casey because lmaooo

he knows raph died but i idr if he got the details i gotta go look at the beginning to see if he mentioned leaving casey behind

i know he told leo and april

leo: I have done literally nothing dangerous except sit on the couch and go karaoke singing for months now what I do

im looking forward to popcorning

spacemoth: SORRY UR TWIN TAKES 2-3 YEARS TO PROCESS BEING MAD AT U LMAO

LMAOOOO

he and casey should have a locked-in-a-room screaming match after everything blows over also

a real siblings moment

finally, donnie can be punched-

i think the thing is too

is that donnie's behavior very much comes off as "doesn't care about anybody's feelings, just does whatever he thinks is best, doesn't consider anbody else" which like...........yeah, kind of

but it also comes from a place of "WE keep getting hurt. WE keep being in danger. WE keep being scared." donnie's goal is to get everybody back home safe; more than that, to get them home safe with the opportunity to see everybody else

his value he puts in himself (and the value he thinks everyone else puts in him, with a lot of reinforcement to that idea) is what he can do FOR people. he KNOWS he's not good at feelings, or being emotional support, or even just being THERE for people

he doesn't understand that just TRYING to do those things is valuable all on its own

donnie doesn't voice or say any of this stuff, because it seems so obvious to him. why would he try so hard, why would he work himself so hard, why would he spend all his money and time and effort trying to achieve this thing if it wasn't to keep everybody safe?

(this is also part of the 'othering' i mentioned above, where donnie feels like he's operating on a different wavelength than everyone else. it isn't done intentionally on anybody's behalf, which is usually how these social things go. donnie could probably combat that by attending family gatherings and reaching out, but he's too far gone at this point)

so many other people in the cast are working on the "recovery" part of being post-trauma, while donnie's still WAYYYYYYY behind in the 'processing' stage

of course, how is anybody going to know that if he doesn't try to talk about it?

but donnie wouldn't ever do that voluntarily

cast needs a goddamn mindreader

cast could probably do great with a very, very stubborn therapist

buddy

I see donnie subscribes to the 'I'll push all my feelings down and then one day I'll die' school of emotional regulation

yeah they just go away eventually when u do that

I MEAN uh he doesn't have any emotions other than success and smartness

uh huh

donnie just take raph's extra 30% of emotional intensity things will clear right up

will it tho

maybe donnie just needs to turtle pile and have a nice cry

after all this leo will start regularly scheduling feelings-closet meetings

dr feelings' intern

Donnie will get there one day
maybe

god, this is some good tasty character building

save this genius... handle with care

no
he's gotta be put in a glass jar and shaken up

THE IDEA is to make this event force donnie to show with actions how fucked up he's feeling, make that everyone else's problem, and essentially do a hard reset for don depending on what the mods let me do

also make it fun to play with other characters hopefully

he needs to be shaken yes, the chemical reaction needs to occur

wobble wobbles

afterwards he will probably like idk go find people and ask them things or talk to them IDK WE'LL SEE IG

but def, his entire project GOTTA blow up in his face

he's gotta get shown that he CANNOT do the thing he desperately thinks he needs to do in order to fix everything and get everything back to normal

bc once it does

he can acknowledge that there is no 'going back to normal'

and that his present IS the new normal

and that'll help him re-evaluate everything he's done

god leo will feel horrible for it too since. empathy share, he should have checked in on donnie more but couldn't

donnie didn't let him!!

i'm gonna get that thread but donnie is PURPOSEFULLY shutting ppl out, so it's not like it's anybody's fault!

OH YEAH HOW DID I FORGET HTE TRIGGER FOR DONNIE'S VERY DOWNWARD SPIRAL

baby brother and tony vanished and now he has TWO people in other worlds and a baby brother to go find and reunite with!!!! goal is more important than ever

hurt feelings are so far backseat they're on another bus

I'm tickled that Viktor reads more as a near-peer to Donnie

IT'S VERY FUNNY

being an adult in his thirties you would think he'd be mentor, but something in donnie senses "no....he's crazy like me......................................colleague"

Same hat vibe

DID U MAKE THAT FOR ME SPACE

I DID I had to track down. a good image of donnie I could safely look at while at work

LMFAOOOO SAFELY

TY I LOVE IT

LMAO the forehead of slow burn rage trauma

man april is so worried about him obsession is a bad look but she gets it so she keeps coming down on "...okay as long as I can keep forcing him out of the lab sometimes" but I'm guessin shes' having less and less success with that lmao

errybody reading between the lines like "this is like when he was making leos arm except worse??"

Kayjayyy: YE PROBABLY

fontech: YE ALSO PROBABLY

...did april know the tank was here b/c I don't think it ever came up in thread lmao but if it's like literally parked in the street outside--

nah donnie's probably been keeping it in the lab underground so she's likely seen it if she's visited before

OKAY GOOD i thought I would check before she was like "...what"

hey spacemoth guess what i'm re-reading

ALSO fontech REREADING THIS ONE

AND THIS ONE

this was a fun trial

i know i didn't do it right and i don't even care

/devours threads whole

yessssss YESSSSS

i dont think you did it wrong i think you did it the way you wanted to and thats the right way

^^^

ok i agree LMAO i was not that broken up at the idea of doing it 'wrong' anyhow BUT YEAH

the way that is the most fun is the right way

now i gotta reread

i got so much goddamn traction out of that trial, ugh. my heart

almost as good as calibrations

SO CLOSE to being as good as calibrations

crying the nightmare thread was SO BAD