therapy last week was hard and i had a frankly painfully overstimulating and busy few days that then led into hard days at work so i rly peaced out from social media and apps for a bit

i still don't feel fantastic but when do i ever lately LOL

sad about closing and that i was not able to be more active... hopefully i will be able to give it another shot if it ever comes back around

every 1950s-60s dystopian suburbia game i join is cursed to close within a few months of my joining

anyway. october was kinda shit for me which is a shame bc it's normally one of my favorite times of year

but i have just had a lot of personal stuff rattling around in my head, work is getting harder as we get ready for the holidays and have lost like 3 people including a senior employee, and i feel so impossibly trapped in my own house that the idea of trying to make it to the end of our lease makes me feel ill every time i think about it

some of my hobby spaces have been annoying/bad-feeling for various reasons but i think it's just the ambient misery making me more irritable

i like my new therapist at least. i think at the start of the new year i will try to hit up a psychiatrist too... i don't dare try to start that particular adventure when work is so fucking hard, i can't afford to lose the meds roulette when i need to be functioning at 100000%

and i will have had more time with my therapist to pinpoint the issues we feel i would most need a psychiatrist's treatment for

naya and i also came up with a fun concept for a NSFW content persona that i may try to get going soonish. that's not gonna be my whole new career but even a small stream of passive income on the side would make me feel better about my finances and goals

so that's most of what's been going on with me the past few days,,,

a gift i got my partner is out for delivery and i realized i have not hit up spirit halloween this year so i am thinking i might nap and go out to scope out their clearance stuff and give partner their present

did do that and had a nice lunch with partner but then all my nasty emotions caught up with me so my evening was a bit fraught

I'm glad your new therapist is good... beats up the things that are bothering you. October did kind of stink this year so let's redo it

in the process of opening up this plurk i managed to zone out and dump cashews all over myself so im calling for an early redo on november as well

also, i almost blacked out at work last night. that is what i actually came in here to complain about

think that was at least partially on the depression coma i was in for most of sunday and all of monday prior to work, despite my best efforts to eat a decent meal and hydrate before i left the house, but wowie

thankfully the nice TL was on duty and told me to go drink some water and sit down. and i was still able to (barely) finish everything in my aisle. but it was very not fun and embarrassing LMFAO

and i still don't feel super good... go figure

roomie and i are gonna go try to vote on her lunch break so i am hoping i can sleep until then...and then unfortunately i must shower and have a big laundry day bc i have so much damn laundry but. first. rest.

grisps you. i'm sorry stuff is rough for u but i'm glad you have cashews lol

they're starting to stock the fancy mixed nuts for christmas at work and it's really dangerous..................

thank u i don't rly buy them but they keep snacks in the break room for us and sometimes i get lucky and they have the little lunchbox packs of cashews in there, so i try to stock up when they appear

i have that struggle every time i am assigned to the candy aisle (which is also where the nuts live.) i am always tempted but they're so sponsive...

voted, sorted all my laundry and started a load, did my application for medicaid renewal, and did my weekly paycheck budgeting... Productive

still very weary after work last night but. im truckin

gonna try not to follow election news too closely today bc i don't need to make myself an anxiety black hole for no reason so i am kind of glad to have other stuff i need/want to do today

I can't even begin to get into it all rn but. man. I'm pretty tired of living in interesting times.

think i became the favorite employee of some of our contracted cleaning crew tonight bc they waved me down in the parking lot to help me figure out how to put an address into their old-school car GPS

they are pretty much all ESL and were struggling a lot so that is why they asked for my help. but to be fair to them i was also struggling bc i haven't used an old GPS like that in 10000000 years LMFAO

anyway they were going to an ohio address so i hope the trip is going okay.

oops **to help THEM figure out

had such a nice weekend with the house to myself with my partner and ofc my roommate finds something dipshit stupid to nag me about within 10min of being home

god I fucking hate it here

I think I need to try to add some gentle cardio into what little I have that resembles a routine bc I am so tired of being short of breath at the slightest amount of exertion lately the fickle temperature dropping has been incredibly unkind to my covid-ravaged lungs

problem with that is I can barely manage all the other stuff I need to do to keep this flesh prison alive so ??? I guess we'll see

im in that kind of mood where i just sat in my car for almost 15min after i pulled into the parking lot bc i noticed that the porch light had been turned off despite my recent reminders to keep it on when im at work and that was enough to push me into a misery fugue about my whole situation

home sucks. work sucks. and i live in a red county so right now everywhere else sucks too.

I'm sorry things are so shit right now, cee

thank you Anne... me too, shit is shit for so many people rn

period started earlier today and the cramps are hitting now at work hell

period ended up making me so violently ill at work that I had to have my partner take me home at lunchtime... excited to lose more money to my shitty awful body this week

I was so pale that the very nice overnight dairy guy asked if we needed to call an ambulance

period still beating my ass today but I was able to eat lunch and retrieve my car with my partner's help

god bless owlie for providing me with something good today and god bless drawfee for dropping the midnight alley trailer and giving me a reason to look forward to december

midnight alley trailer restored so much of my hp

(york voice) AGAIN???

IM VERY EXCITED TO DISCOVER THE CONTEXT FOR ALL THE INTRO LINES IN THE TRAILER

in other news i tragically need to find somewhere besides the library to do my post-therapy decompression. my last two attempts have been the opposite of restful and today it was Friendly Stranger Won't Stop Talking To Me

which. i'm generally extroverted. i don't mind a conversation with a friendly stranger most of the time. but god i need my personal bubble after therapy LMFAO

it should be illegal for people to talk to you in the library. it's like the one place that is expected to be quiet

you know, you'd think that, but i've rarely experienced a library that is quiet

on account of them being one of the few free community hubs left in this godforsaken country. and it is wonderful and good that they are community hubs. just, in practice, that means a lot of parents bringing in very young children that they can't put anywhere else

which means a lot of noise LOL

yeah i usually just go as far away from the kids' area as possible, but that only does so much if the architecture of the building is designed to cause as much noise as possible, which is the case for a SURPRISING NUMBER OF LIBRARIES

you don't have to make the ceilings high guys i'd actually prefer if you didn't

YEAH

THE SOUND CARRIES SO MUCH

i specifically sit near the meeting room hall which is pointedly not a children's area and yet there are always still so many children

the library i usually go to around here is pretty quiet and i just realized as i was describing the high ceilings that the reason for that is that the ceiling in the kids' area specifically is super low LOL

somebody was using their brain cell that day

oh my god. yall control your children

good architecture choices in your library... not mine... the high ceilings and open space are very pretty but the SOUND

we dont need aesthetics we are looking at BOOKS you FOOLS

survived my weekend trip... it was very fun and i'm glad i went but my anxiety was acting up a LOT by the end for various reasons so i am...glad to be home...sort of. as glad as i ever am to come back to this shitty house

trying to fight off what I thought was just allergies but I think has maybe been a budding seasonal cold... blergh

also been missing my partner so bad it has been making my chest ache. hate this gay longing shit 😭

i was gonna go by to hang out for a few hours today but neither of us feel very well so... waiting until Saturday instead...

my mom wasn't feeling well when she called... she said it's just a stomachache but this is the woman who had hip surgery and didn't tell me for nearly a month so now i am. anxious about her wellbeing LMFAO

mom please don't keep medical stuff to yourself challenge

MOM PLEASE... like i believe that she THINKS it's just a stomachache, i'm more worried that it'll get worse/be more than that and she won't go to the doctor bc of who she is as a person

genuinely have no idea how i will sleep tonight in the absence of my partner. no idea what is going on with me that is causing my emotions to do this but it's rough buddy

the existential dread is terrible tonight,,, hate bringing this energy into work where it can just cook

the brain cooking of bad thoughts at work is just the worst.

it SUCKS

my job is so mind-numbing too and for the most part i work alone all night so it's just Rumination Station up in there if i'm having a really bad night

unrelated but i hit a wall on my usual podcast listening material so i restarted taz amnesty after dark lunch and just. man. the amount of love and life that that campaign's setting has right from the word go is just astounding

not sure if i'll commit to a full relisten before i start something new but...i probably will LOL

also listening to it again after finally watching gravity falls is just. it's the same picture dot png

OH YOU WATCHED GRAVITY FALLS? GOOD ITS SUCH CONTENT

oh yes my partner and i watched it together...a few months ago??? i loved it!!

oh that's a good show to watch with somebody too. it's a good show to turn to your watching buddy to go >:0!!!!!! when crazy shit happens LMAO

every week i grow closer and closer to saying fuck the money and changing my availability to take Fridays off of my schedule forever

i sacrifice my social life to bust my ass on huge loads in full-time aisles without full-time hours to finish it and for no extra pay, i hate it and i'm over it LMFAO

if i dont shower i'll wither into a husk but my body is so busted from my shift

decompressed with a drawfee and some drawing so maybe now i can find the energy to scrub this horrible flesh prison

had a bit of a meltdown last night and then slept for 12 hours, ate french toast, and finished steeplechase with my partner

tragically have to work tonight but at least it's only sunday

did you have a mostly good weekend at least!!!

yes! it's gonna be a long one too since I don't work tmw night so I'm just gonna come back to my partner's after work... they do have to work but they're WFH so I can still chill with them

oh hell yeah

i'm glad you were able to get some rest at least ;; love u

thank u love you too ❤️

slept even more today... I didn't think I was that tired but I sure did sleep through almost the entirety of my partner's work day

woke up midday for lunch and cuddles and then went right back to sleep once I was out on the couch LMFAO 😭

we've been sitting in a movie theater for a 7:30 screening... with nothing playing, not even previews... it is now 8pm.........

sometimes you just gotta hibernate with cuddle breaks

hate the haunted movie theater thing though

yeah my partner had to get up and go ask staff what was going on... and then it still took like 15min for something to happen... it was like 8:15pm by the time the movie (WITH THE PREVIEWS STILL INTACT ☠️) actually started CRIES

at least give them some free candy bitch smh

what in the entire hell. well I hope the movie was good at least

oh what the heck you guys BETTER have gotten some vouchers

we got nothing but my partner did (VERY CORDIALLY) go to the contact form on their website and let them know what happened

we saw the tale of the princess kaguya! which was very gorgeous! but also made the late start incident more annoying bc the ghibli fest is a special event so the tickets were more expensive LMFAO

THEY WERE LIKE 45 MINUTES LATE ON A SPECIAL SCREENING

YEAH LMFAO

nah man I'd have at least went back out like "buddy nah I ain't watching the previews you're gonna skip em" LMAO

that's the least they could have done!!!

thankfully there weren't a LOT of previews bc it was mostly just stuff for the rest of the Ghibli festival but I was like

the VP got back to my partner today tho and explained what happened. apparently the file for kaguya's projection at that showtime got corrupted so they had to reset it and the projector had to reingest it, which is a nightmarish phrasing but is how he explained it LMFAO

which is why it took a bit after my partner let them know nothing was playing; the file had to be processed again basically

but the VP apologized and gave us ticket vouchers. very polite and helpful

it had to reingest it

oh that is very nice of them actually

also like. yeah i GUESS it's not their fault smh--

oh nice

yeah, they're a small local chain so I don't want to be too hard on them

anyway I had therapy today. picked up my pie for Thanksgiving. filled my tires since they were mad that it got cold. and finally called my dad, which was an emotional trial as always bc every time we talk I get crushingly sad about how much I miss him and how fucking hard life is

desperately want to decompress, but don't want to go home to do so, but don't have anywhere else good to go, so have literally just been sitting in my car in a nearby park eating coffee shop snacks and intermittently tearing up

just remembered I need to clean my room too... so my partner can hopefully spend the night...... ough

room clean thyself

did not end up cleaning my room to the degree I wanted bc of Things and Factors, one of which being my body feeling like it is under complete collapse fsr

but I survived pre-Thanksgiving... tomorrow's shift shouldn't be too bad, just tedious... Friday is gonna be hell

god I wish my room would clean itself. I'm so tired of Moving and Tidying