I'm bracing myself for the automatic 1s after the pie incident. I am braced. But hey technically you could also rate Dio. Or my other characters the few of you who know. Maybe I really should spread this to my main plurk. Yeah

Allen: very old person
Fitz: 3, because he thinks he's a serial killer and really isn't into that
Erskine: 4/5 as revolutionary friend
Xie Lian: 5.5? he's not attracted to him but he thinks that he's cute and some people like intense relationships but you really have to talk to them first about stuff like cannibalism ok

Frankie rates Walter a cheerful 8/10, would go down to 7/10 if she knew about pie

like I realize he's Styled Nebbish but 1) she likes a pointy rat of a man 2) that IS still elijah wood y'all slgfnsdfs

she does prefer to be the schemer in the relationship however

Walter nodding soberly. Like Shaw's commentary on Pygmalion that Eliza would get with Freddy because she wanted to be the one in charge

Jedao is at 7/10 regardless. those eyes??? and while he would Not Fuck Walter out of solidarity with his friends this does not mean Jedao won't objectify him in the privacy of his own mind

John would still rate Walter a 10, like anyone else. He's got beautiful eyes and there's something about the way he holds himself like a coiled spring that he can appreciate. He still wants to kick his ass, but he can appreciate the aesthetic qualities that aren't terrible.

...Saga's got him at 1, though, yeah. He's in unsub territory.

....hilariously I feel like Jedao would dock a point if he realized how clumsy walter was with a knife

Elijah Wood as Walter is not tall and there's even reason to assume he's not very muscular but there's still stuff there conventionally attractive by some metrics. Live your truth

smol is lovely, says John.

...again, in spite of wanting to remove all your bones angrily. but like. aesthetic is aesthetic.

Norton gives Walter a solid 6/10. Would be higher if Walter was more fashionable. Norton doesn't know about the pie incident. Although it would probably gain Walter a point or two despite Norton really wishing it wouldn't, because Norton has some shit taste when it comes to attraction.

Are the cargo shorts not part of the charm. Do they not make him look adventure ready

Norton is of the opinion that adult men should never wear shorts unless they're engaged in something athletic. He has the same opinion of t-shirts worn as shirts (rather than as undershirts).

(There are some exceptions if the t-shirt is tight and the man's chest is particularly impressive. i.e. The "Captain America Exception")

Walter is wearing collared shirts mostly!!

even collared swim shirt

Again, Pyotr doesn't think Walter is short; he is average height for 19th century and doesn't know enough about how 21st century fashion is supposed to look to notice that Walter's is particularly odd or bad. He thinks all the 21st century people are underdressed (a little like Norton in that way) anyway. He thinks Walter is a fine looking man, objectively

Abel would give him a 6/7 he doesn't really like when men are shorter than him? But he does have a nice face, dusting of facial hair that makes him a little out of the ordinary for men of his own time. The number would go down as soon as he found out about the pie incident. Potentially dropping as low as a 1, but that doesn't save him from daydreams

Yelena would put him at about a 6, because squirrelly little hobbit men aren't really her type, but he is decent looking. That number would definitely plummet like a rock if she ever found out about The Pie, though.

Carving a dude up to feed to your crush is not the sexy kind of dangerous.

before the pie Arthur would have called him like a 5, just. pure indifference, a nothing blip on his radar. now he's like -20 and looking for a broken nose

Putting female internet crime aficionados before the brotherhood (this includes Yelena) of the secret group is definitely not attractive...

the fact that the pie is an if is truly sending me. I'm sorry everyone who will have to deal with this when they are sighing out of relief that Narrenschiff is over and/or are completely hollowed out inside by the sheer depravity of the barge lovers running around smashing everything shiny with a baseball bat

is malcolm bringing it up when they all get back to the barge? bc i don't think arthur and john were planning to

afficiandos before bros...

John said "people need to know what he's capable of"

nodnod

so that it would come from Malcolm at that time is I think the plan. maybe if Malcolm hadn't been severely unwell on both the island and the Narrenschiff, then it would have come up on the Narrenschiff. that's my thinking at least

we can have a quick round of pings when Narrenschiff is all over

wait i left out: if Armand learned about pie incident it would bump Walter up to 1. very funny and also romantic gesture. good for him.

Walter isn't Sebastian's type aesthetically (he likes more delicate, elegant looks) but Pie would earn him points, because that's hilarious. Humans are The Worst.

Well, the good news. People will be so numbed and tired after NS that the pie's shock factor would have gone down a bt?

if you think it would be a funny exercise, you could pick exactly one of my characters to rate like... 5-10 of yours I've played with

deathdesu: why do you play multiple serial killers where it boils down to X unusual criteria that would be Funny

Sephchama: I am fully braced for "running around smashing every shiny magical object in sight is NOBLE AND GOOD. Butchering a guy is SELF EVIDENTLY BAD"

Everyone from every side of the aisle can come together on this

including monster side showing up to give him a high five

I can't find the GIF but it's little Mr. Thing style (but not actually Addams family) a disembodied hand coming up from under the table to give an unexpected high five

it's not this but the sparkles are sending me:

Idk

Hands you a serial killer. Hands you a serial killer. Hands you a serial killer

Walter, if you need protection, you know where to find a soft hearted monk.

After pie drops
I'm seriously making a poll based on this because it would be funny

think of all the terrible people who will like you better now, Walter

months later I remembered the gif I was thinking of anstaar