had a nice morning with roomie but the compartmentalization of the shit they said abt me and my partner fell apart the moment they left the room

and i am just really sad. i'm sad and i'm mad and i miss my partner so bad that my chest hurts and i'm so anxious about having to inevitably sit down together to talk about whatever the fucking problem is here

work tonight and then my partner is going to pick me up otw home from their trip tmw evening for dinner and stuff... which will be nice but then it'll be right back to work hell until the weekend which is when we're all supposed to talk ugh

ganba cee...

I'm sorry stuff is so tough and you've got to wait so long to get... closure, I guess?

I hope work is as stress free as possible and that you have a good time with your partner

thank you... yeah unfortunately saturday is the soonest day that none of us have work

i just wish i could imagine it going any way except poorly. i know part of that is my generally horrible mental state lately and part of it is stress response from how poorly some of my other attempts at conflict resolution w this roommate have gone

but it is just so hard for me to foresee an outcome that isn't either them admitting this is their own problem/insecurities and me being like. then why did you feel the need to put this on us. or them not acknowleding that it is a them problem and making a bunch of unfair requests for us to change behaviors, and me having to be like... no

or i guess the secret third option where partner and i have actually been assholes somehow and then we get to sit with that forever bc this roommate will never be able to let go of my past behaviors and mistakes specifically

i just can't get past what a wildly selfish thing it is to say to someone and their partner that it's hard to be around them bc it's weird that they're dating now

just like. sorry man. go to therapy about it? LMFAO

i just remembered i have to do laundry tomorrow too

the nightmares never end

did not occur to me that work would suck so much ass tonight bc we aren't getting a delivery tomorrow

I knew Tuesday was gonna suck but

also not looking forward to being in the house alone again w roommate all day tmw until partner gets home... buh

I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE CHILL

honestly hoping I can just finish my laundry as early as possible since Naya is out and then sleep all day until date time

mission success: replaced the cracked screen protector on my phone even though putting a screen protector on without getting debris or smudges underneath it is the most impossible task in the fucking world

i don't think this one is as thick as the one we got from the store when we bought the phone but another one of those was 40 fucking dollarooneys so i was like. hm, no thanks, i will get a $12 two-pack instead

laundry done, time to hopefully sleep until partner is home and I can make my escape from this accursed space

yeah NEVER get the ones in store they are so spensy for basically the same thing

kt somehow has developed the magical power of being really good at putting on screen protects. i have the sinking suspicion this is due to practice

kt is stronger than I'll ever be

literally only have gotten them at the store so the associates/phone wizards can just put them on for me tbh ☠️☠️☠️ LMFAO

i mean in your defense. that would be me if not for katy lol

me approaching my sister like please... the screen protector... use your magic...

I've done it a couple times myself but it's so stressful lol

IT'S SO STRESSFUL AND I ALWAYS GET DUST OR DEBRIS UNDER IT SOMEHOW

no matter how much I clean the phone and make sure my work area is clean

here are some hot tips i learned last time I did this

in homes, bathrooms are honestly a decent place to do it for the following reasons

one: smaller rooms, easier to get the work area/surface clean
two: you can run the shower for a few minutes ahead of time to get the room like. steamy? when the air is more humid, dust in the air moves around less

three: in addition to cleaning your work surface, make sure there's no dust ABOVE you, like on fans or work surfaces. on that note, make sure fans are turned off. this again helps with keeping dust out of the air while you work
four: it's always easier to put a screen protector on a brand new device out of the box vs. one that's already in use

the last one is important to keep in mind if, say, you get a switch or a something and are waiting on a screen protector. gotta be patient to open it until the screen protector is there, or make sure you've got the screen protector first before buying the device

the bathroom thing is such a good tip... I hadn't even considered that humid air might help

i think I do actually have switch screen protectors just. in a box. that I havent put on yet because I hate applying them so fucking much

it's such a miserable experience. i cannot blame you

also why did i say work surfaces re: dust above you... that should be light fixtures

........... I didn't even notice LOL

I just instinctively knew what you meant

Lolllll

Brain to brain communication. Altho now I'm thinking about non Euclidean counters

im always thinking about non-euclidean counters

i had a very nice evening/day with my partner but i made the mistake of napping on the couch today and boy it fucked with my neck SO BAD

and i work the next 3 nights

sadness... crushing. tummyache... also crushing.

my TL has been very complimentary of me at work lately and idk how to feel about it

it should probably be positively since almost everything else in my life is kind of making me feel garbo lately but

it is something I've been thinking around in a roundabout way for a while bc I have constantly been wishing lately that I could just live with my partner and I kind of regret signing the 2yr lease but it didn't sink in for me until I was walking out of work that like

my living situation is making me miserable actually

I feel vile just walking into my own house

and I seriously have no idea that any amount of talking at this point is going to fix that

man. what a cool thing to have rattling around in my head

rubs your back... I'm sorry cee, that is a really crummy... how to put it

put words to the bad feeling to you have? and understanding it

but at the same time like. knowing that you want to move out puts an end date on things, you know?

at the very longest it's til the end of the lease. potentially sooner if you can find a new roommate to move in after you move out

tbh I already planned to move out at the end of the lease but I wish I reasonably could sooner

drawn out tummyache war tonight but work wasn't too bad aside from discovering a bag of rice absolutely infested with moths that I then had to take to my manager

I've been very prone to stomachaches lately and I think the prolonged anxiety over the unresolved stuff with my roommate is contributing a lot

anyway I hate to be a snitch but I might need to contact upper management bc I learned that the food safety department has apparently been on daytime grocery's ass about taking apart the shelves to properly clean them bc the moths. are inside the shelves. and daytime grocery management just won't do it so there is just

a very persistent moth problem. and that is PRETTY DISGUSTING IMO LMFAO

me gritting my teeth, crying, like this would have never happened at my old store

honestly. there really just needs to be a designated crew and day to do this kind of thing. because individual departments are just expected to find time to do it alongside their usual duties and that means it never gets done bc there's always too much other shit to do LMFAO

but what do I know.........

had breakfast with my partner so we could eat the last of the peaches I got to share and also get me out of this accursed house again for a bit

(I also went over for lunch ytd bc I was awake anyway and landscaping was keeping me up, as usual...)

tummy still wildly upset and anxiety still very high but I always feel a little better when I am with partner...

MOTH INFESTATION... IN THE AISLES

me at the day crew: gamers that's Vile

sends your tummy becalming waves

YEAH IT'S REALLY GROSS I am understanding of some baseline grossness in an operation as big as this but that's like. oh the shelves are dusty. oh there's flour on stuff in the baking aisle. oh a very overworked employee did not catch one single moldy berry or flower amongst literal hundreds.

not, like, PERSISTENT PEST INFESTATION

PERSISTENT PEST INFESTATION IS VERY VERY DIFFERENT.

and apparently the health inspectors have never caught it bc daytime grocery just cleans the outsides of the shelves rly good before they come

i feel like at this point it would be less effort to just. take care of the problem?

vs hiding it from the health inspectors?????

but taking all the product off the shelves to disassemble them is hard

just like how disassembling their dumb endcaps to comb through sauces and tomatoes for any that have expired is too hard

(another time I had to go to my manager: being assigned to the pasta aisle and going to put overflow on the endcap and finding expiration dates from 2022 on canned goods)

(in 2024)

CANNED GOODS

THAT'S HOW YOU GET BOTTULISM!!!!!!

YEAH

the health inspectors never caught those either so I guess maybe that just doesn't say good things about their priorities/practices but I was just like

because then we were the ones who had to empty the pasta endcaps and go through them for expired stuff.

because day shift was not fixing it

woke up on the absolute worst side of the bed before work and then was in (not my top least fav but) one of my least favorite aisles

feelin like ASS

gotta run to the gas station to pick up provisions and then shower when I get home ... and then I have my appointment for the new COVID vaccine a little before noon

last-minute decision on my part but decided doing it at the beginning of my long weekend would give me a good excuse to languish and not interact too much with roommate before our talk tmw

the brain is absolutely poisoned with rumination

and i don't want to externalize that energy

tiredly shakes hand in getting boosted (got my vaccine yesterday)

hope your languishing is at least restful cee. maybe bring a game or a book or something to keep you preoccupied

did not end up getting boosted yesterday for various nonsense reasons, new appointment on Monday

today is when my partner and I are supposed to have this super fun talk with my roommate and I am so nauseous

feeling really quite horrendous lads

feeling better today generally, not rly about the results of the talk but I have been able to put it out of my mind for the most part and the anxiety has subsided so there's that

vaccinated and had lunch with my partner since my vaccine site was over by their place and I needed to grab something I left over there anyway... had burger with eggy on top

fueled up for a long day of the vaccine kicking my ass

yaaaaay vaccination

burger with egg fantastic combo.

yes though getting the eggs cooked was a trying process. I dropped one egg straight on the floor, and then melted my partner's only clean spatula bc I'm not used to how hot their gas stove gets, and then burnt my finger on the edge of the pan as I was putting the cheese on top of one of the eggs

me: I'll help with lunch honey
also me: turns into a disaster tornado in their kitchen

wow i am not enjoying the way my dreams last night made me feel

man. vibes improved for a bit but became real weird and bad again

tummyache and construction is just my every day now it seems

back to work tonight after a very mixed bag long weekend... and working a lot over the next week smh

at least I will make money

trying so hard to get some more sleep before d&d and work but it's so hot again ☠️ ugh

haaaaaate how temperatures jumped way back up again

IT SUCKS SO BAD PLEASE JUST GIVE ME FALL

WE ARE BEGGING

have once again reached "laying under a damp towel" levels of uncomfortably hot, even despite the best and very helpful efforts of my cooling unit ough...

discovered that it was so unbearably hot in my room yesterday because our thermostat is not working! so our AC just wasn't running yesterday!

and it kicked back on for a few hours this morning but then died again roomie and landlord both think the thermostat needs a new battery... which the store was OUT OF STOCK of when i went to go look so . got a delivery coming tonight for that

praying that it just needs a new battery because it's supposed to be hot during the day for the next week at least and i can't live like this

the new battery did not fix the thermostat. i am in hell

my emotions have done some very ugly things tonight as a result of this development. hanging out with partner on VC helped a little but i remain trapped in this broiler of a house unsure of when it will be made less of a broiler

oh I think that's grounds for justifiable homicide

Hey ac???? Please fucking work??????

yeah I am VERY unhappy LMFAO

wouldn't be an issue if it had happened last week or whatever when it had cooled down but nope. gotta happen when the days are hot as shit again

I really hate this so much

I crave the sweet embrace of the dirt

time to skibidelete the world

actually had a pretty good day despite everything (the AC is still not fixed but even still) but. wow. as soon as I got to work and my brain only had itself to occupy it, everything REALLY caught up to me

including the absolutely none sleep I got

thankfully work isn't too busy for me tonight but ough... just need to stave off the meltdown until 5...

survived my shift and slept like an absolute fucking rock at partner's place... now to head back over to wait for the landlord and pray he can fix the furnace and get the HVAC working again

hoping I can get more sleep after he's done bc the debt is steep but whew

HVAC system/thermostat still not working properly

landlord is gonna have to make some calls and get someone else to come out and look at it... sighs

me attempting to be nice and polite to the dude who controls my living space for the next 2 years while I make strangling motions behind the screen at the fact that he still hasn't called a professional

AC seems to be working consistently for now but landlord still did not have a professional over so We Shall See

did laundry and some social obligations today but i am finally just...alone and still in my own room

which feels necessary but i'm not terribly enjoying it. very heavy melancholy

feel like a zombie today. have done nothing but sleep

and feel a thousand years away from my own emotions when I have woken up

man I don't want to go to work with my brain like this but alas

coworker i was assigned to help tonight was sick here is hoping my mask protected me bc if i get sick right before my anniversary i honestly think it might break me

fingers crossed

felt okay so far today... had to help in her aisle again but not as long...... it is a good thing I mask pretty diligently nowadays

haircut today so I can be fresh for anniversary... then just one more night of work until a hopefully very nice weekend

(preceding a week of a billion obligations, a few of which are mired in anxiety, but I'm trying not to think about that)

i was so determined to draw when i got home but the miracle not happen... i may need to relent and just nap before my salon appointment

I did end up drawing a little and then took a very unsatisfying nap... hair is cut, groceries is got

gonna take a shower and then... therapy intake form.........

fresh new cee!

I took a shower and learned that the package I sent to my dad, which was returned to sender for insufficient address information and which I had to submit a request to find, apparently went back to my dad's after coming all the way back here. and WAS RETURNED TO SENDER, AGAIN, TODAY, FOR THE SAME PROBLEM

WHY THE FUCK

and also when I went to get out of the shower there was a HUGE spider skittering around the bath mat

hell world!!!

oh fuck all of that

I KNOW

christ. i've been awake way longer than i planned due to a combination of my own choices and things outside of my control, but,

i drew a non-zero amount. i got my hair cut. i got my eyebrows waxed. i got groceries. i took a shower. shaved my legs. called my dad about the package. and finally submitted my form for therapy intake

now im gonna eat and watch an ep or two of b99 with partner to wind down and hopefully be able to get some fuckign sleep before work tonight

dear god I am GROGGY

will probably be in a hell aisle like pasta or something tonight since it's Friday... ough

ended up in my least favorite aisle, which is my least favorite in part because it is so fucking messy and had to clean up a sugar spill from a busted bag

i showered just this morning and already feel vile again

ugh. but the evil is defeated. now I just have to shower again and then get a nap before anniversary weekend

I got approximately none sleep but lunch was so good... I ate way too much LOL

had a wonderful weekend with my partner but boy. coming back to normal life was crushing

was nice to have a domestic fantasy of a home environment that doesn't stress me the fuck out constantly

also work was annoying. I had to clean up so many messes (literal) tonight

me in my car: I want to draw when I get home
me as soon as I walk into my room: zzzzzz

there's probably some things to unpack there about how I associate this space so strongly with anxiety, depression, and general discomfort. maybe. who knows

anyway today I need to text my parents and email the counseling office back

also buy some general health goods after my paycheck hits

emailed the practice back, bought my health goods

good job friend!!

thank u... being responsible is hard

indeed it is

but u done it

I done it......

impulsively went and had lunch with partner, for which the wawa app tried to stymie us at every turn and for which i had to fight every red traffic light in the area, but it was still nice... need to email the practice back again to confirm beginning appointments but i need to decide if i want to do telehealth or in-person for the first one

leaning in-person... telehealth is more convenient but i think getting out of the house more would be a bigger improvement for my mental state. we shall see

i came in here like im going to show cee a COOL SONG i found that reminds me of ashnikko and then i looked up the wikipedia for bambie thug and saw >eurovision and realized i'm an idiot and you already know them. NONETHELESS, ON THE OFF CHANCE YOU DON'TBambie Thig - Hex So Heavy (Lyrics)

I ACTUALLY WASN'T FAMILIAR i haven't watched eurovision the last few years (mostly due to getting a day job and forgetting for a bit and then actively chose not to with the israel situation being so yikes)

so. u are not an idiot and i am blessed with this gift thank you anne

smooch

exciting baseline common decency news i guess, a fuckton of contestants were vocally and visibly pro palestine and critical of said situation throughout, this artist included, so. it was kind of interesting to read about (i also did not watch because i forgot eurovision exists)

yeah i just looked at their wikipedia page myself and saw that 🙏 i'm glad to hear it... i didn't hear a lot about how eurovision this year panned out outside of israel scoring embarrassingly high bc most of the people who DID watch and vote weren't opposed enough to the situation to boycott so glad to hear that a lot of the artists took a stance

i'm reading the wiki for eurovision 2024 now bc i was curious and wow um. a lot happened

NOT SURPRISED TBH

apparently israels performer got booed, A Lot, Consistently, and the ebu edited it out using ANTI BOOING TECHNOLOGY WHICH IS A THING I LEARNED ABOUT JUST NOW

YEAH...

i did hear about that now that you mention it

also ten thousand other disasters but imagine needing and using anti booing technology? what

anyway. yikes. enjoy the witch content sorry for bringing up bummers by accident

Bambie Thug covers Zombie by The Cranberriesbonus, for apologies

IKR and all this after russia was disqualified from participating over the ukraine shit just a few years ago smh (though azerbaijan has been allowed to participate despite their shit wrt armenia so. consistent standards whomst)

anyway it's cool HAHAHA i am already shoveling bambie thug's whole tidal page into my maw and will listen to this one next

consistent standards when its beneficial

SO TRUE

HEHE GOOD i hope u like them. i am also shoveling all of their stuff into my ears so we can compare notes later

yeah!!

i immediately added hex so heavy to kalmiya's playlist........

i added it to beatos too lol. handshake emoji

kalmiya blasting hex so heavy while dissociating

i think kalmiya and beato would be great friends tbh

i think they would be a fucking menace is what

i mean you're also right but like

the blast radius would be massive

oh yes the collateral damage would be unquantifiable

everyone within twenty miles, breasted boobily at

breasting boobily. throwing ass. cursing people who look at them funny and causing noise complaints with cackling

god the cackling would be fucking unreasonable

ahaha.wav 10 hours

i do have a journal for kalmiya so if you ever want to do a thread with her and beato just say the word and i'll be there with bells (golden) on

literally yes

takes notes

i'll let u know if i get any good ideas for them uhuhu

anxieté very severe rn but i know it is going to be like this all day due to an Obligation I Am Anxious About tonight so i must wait a bit on taking an edible if i want to still have the dregs of it in my system for that obligation

wish i did not have to work tonight so i did not have to worry about the timing as much...sighs

yes please do!!

boots obligation

thank u

it wasn't as bad as i feared it might be but im still very drained and tired

both from Obligation and from absolutely not getting enough sleep today... and now work... ugh

docket today

★ farmer's market
★ household meeting (don't have much to bring up aside from "please try to remember to leave the porch light on for me when i'm at work")
★ laundry
★shower
☆ call dad since we didn't get to talk much ytd
★ D&D
★ therapy intake forms
☆ AC check-in

man i hate looking at this list. how did i end up with so much shit to do. yuck

i have an absolutely killer headache from doing almost my entire shift fully masked bc i kept getting stuck with other people hoping that fades with a nap before we go to the market

Ganba ganbaaaaaaa

Hope your headache fades soon cee

thank you me too 😭 it's been in and out since I woke up...

head still causing problems... was planning to shower while my first load of laundry is drying but i think i might need to lay down and do it later or possibly tmw morning

nts check laundry at 2:20

head PLEASE

Head no..........

finally made progress on headache after a nap it's not 100% gone but... better...

laundry is either done or almost done, i need to go downstairs and check if it's actually dry or needs another round in there but. otherwise it's done

oh god i need to put in my AC check-in at silent spring

after dnd...

ough. did not get everything done that I wanted to ytd bc I felt so ill

also having irrational anxiety over probably having to tell someone "no" about something rly woke up on the wrong side of the bed today

god I don't want to go to work tonight... ough

ended up spending the night at my partner's since d&d got cancelled last night, which was nice but now as always I am stuck with the dread of having to go home and return to normal yucky life

also I have to finish my paperwork for therapy intake before whatever pre-work nap I take

beyond sick of my roommate's cat being such an asshole and having to pay to live in a space where an anxious animal is allowed to just aggro me bc he acts too annoying if he is kept in roommate's bedroom

i just love to return home and be immediately validated in not wanting to come home LMFAO

was so cranky about this and filling out forms and other bullshit that I just learned about that I forgot to fill out my silent spring AC... will do that after my shift 😭

dear god I feel like HELL I absolutely need to shower

nts:

- shower
- grab ant trap for partner
- silent spring AC
- maybe Patreon support req email
- look up route to therapy office
- set out date outfit

work was a nightmare. we still had like 4 or 5 full pallets to break down when I came in and we weren't finished until like 45min into my shift

my primary aisle wasn't horrible but my tummy was acting up so I was a bit slow and then I had to haul ass on a second aisle that I didn't realize NO ONE ELSE was assigned to

I think we also lost another experienced employee in addition to the senior employee who is going to be promoted to a different department soon so . boy. I am really not looking forward to the holidays

nts leave around 8:25 for therapy

tummy hurts so i think i will probably not fuss with that patreon email rn