where did july go. god only knows. good riddance though

work continues to crush me both physically and emotionally, my new birth control is causing me to have another period already, and someone in my primary social circle is being a real asshole about one of our campaigns which is making me not want to play with them in other campaigns

so i am...quite tired LOL

also passed up an art exchange that most of us are doing instead of sketch jam art fight this year bc i still owe pieces from exchanges that happened while i was uprooting and adjusting my entire life and i have felt too bad to join more exchanges since then. but i am pretty bummed since i was looking forward to art fight

and i am one of the few people not participating in this summer exchange instead

been trying to moderate my level of bummed to a reasonable amount but my hormones/mood swings are fucking crazy again which is making it challenging

anyway. just booked a haircut for tuesday bc my hair is driving me nuts especially with it being so hot and humid lately

really inconsiderate of august to already be this shitty

IT'S SO BAD DUDE I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LOL

HAIRCUT THOUGH the freeing power of less hair

i was in an absolute hell aisle tonight too (cereal, in my top 3 least favorite aisles for sure) after spending the whole day sick from my period

oh noooo

i've been very headache-prone lately and while i do not think my hair is the primary cause, i definitely think the excess amount of it rn isn't helping so i will be glad to be rid of a bunch of it

oh also there was a pipe dripping into my aisle and onto everything in my aisle all night. i told my manager bc i thought it was leaking since it was only dripping from the joints and she said it's been doing that for years bc it just sweats a lot when it's this hot

and i was like . that is so gross??? WHAT IF IT DRIPS ONTO A CUSTOMER, THEY WOULD RIGHTFULLY LOSE THEIR SHIT

so i may be utilizing the company-wide feedback form about that because come on man. we make enough money. fix the pipe

oh my god FIX THE PIPE, THAT'S GROCE

I'm sorry august is misbehaving. I believe in u tho

yeah like even if it's not coming from INSIDE the pipe that is still not clean water bc I know they aren't up there cleaning the exteriors of the pipes very often

and do you think a customer is gonna care about the difference if random ceiling water drips on them while they're just trying to get groceries ☠️ THEY WILL NOT, STORE MANAGEMENT,

anyway ty. I've had another disproportionate irritation added to my plate today but it's whatever

blasts an airhorn at it until it leaves

god I wish I could

had to have a long candid conversation and I'm so tired

can I just have... one day

:c i'm sorry dude

i slept about 11 hours yesterday almost uninterrupted fuckin EEPY

and ofc now i've been awake way too long but lord i really want to get some RP-related stuff done before i go back to sleep

posted to the CR meme for but i have to get up for work in less than 6 hours so i think . i need to sleep now... cry

tomorrow i FINALLY have a day off so i will try to hit people up on the meme and catch up on tags then...

slow night at work and yet I still managed to end up in my absolute least favorite aisle because someone called out 5am cannot come fast enough

I was wondering if I could delay laundry until later in the week but. nah I'm about to be covered in sugar and flour. hate that for me

had a very rough existential crisis kind of night after a sort of thoughtless comment sent me spiralling about my artistic abilities frustrating after I had a relatively nice day

but. my partner came over and we had a little gas station snacky picnic while sitting in the car and watching b99 for a few hours so I am feeling much less spiral-shaped

still. whew. very tired

oof I'm sorry dude... that picnic sounds like such good serotonin though, your partner is a genius

it was an amazing idea and they are a genius and i love them very much it made me feel much better

me before showering: i'm so energized i'm gonna tag until d&d
me after showering and having a snack:

so eepy...

it's such a trap that meeting your physical needs sometimes reminds you of another physical need :/

HONESTLY

deeply unfair tbh. and why do physical needs make you so sleepy. i should be more energetic after feeding and cleaning myself, not less!!!

YEAH GOD

d&d is going very well tonight

dndbeyond does this automatically when you fail 3 death saving throws! i never knew

holy shit?? THANKS DNDBEYOND I THINK

what a good fucking name

oh shit yeah i don't talk much about pandora here huh

pandora peppertree is my fairy arcane trickster rogue/artificer for a different magical school campaign than the one kalmiya is in. pandora peppertree is absolutely not her real name, as she is a nasty little trash scrapper criminal who became a criminal bc she had to planehop flee from the Feywild after personally pissing off the fairy queen

she's a fucking chaotic neutral gremlin with a gun and a thunderous rapier and little to no impulse control, and it makes sense that she's the first character in my wide roster to Actually Die

WIS is a dump stat for her. never do that, it's a nightmare

I LOVE HER INSTINCTIVELY

let me find her character inspo chart

CALVIN AND ZIM NO WONDER SHE BEEFED IT

HAHAHAHA SEE I TOLD YOU

tonight she died bc the DM introduced an enemy 200ft in the air who was kidnapping our unconscious RA, and i still had a potion of haste that i'd been hoarding for real-time months since i didn't use it for the original task the DM gave it to us for

and as a rogue i can dash as a bonus action. and as a fairy i can fly.

this is the most powerfully deranged inspo chart

fear

haste doubles your speed. so i was able to move 60 feet, bonus action dash 60ft, haste action dash 60ft, and be launched an extra 30ft from a party member's special feature upon takeoff

UH HUH......

and catch up to them. and grapple the unconscious RA they were holding, who couldn't resist bc they were unconscious, which was the only way i'd win a grapple check bc she also has -1 STR

screaming

but as a rogue/artificer. i have none HP. so within a single turn i got smited from 37 HP to 0 HP, roundhouse kicked into a single failed death save, and then i rolled a natural 1 on my death save on my turn which is automatically TWO failures

and died. and went into a 200ft freefall. FMSDLKFGMKLH

holy fucking shit

and then fireworks went off in the bg presumably

HAHAHAHA

what a wild way to go

most of the party didn't even realize she died bc it happened so suddenly and she is CONSTANTLY rushing into things and falling unconscious in mid-air

GOD

gonna go shake her later like girl get up. ...get up.......... GIRL??

THE TWO PARTY MEMBERS ON THE GROUND THAT REALIZED GOT HER REVIVED PRETTY FAST BUT AS OF THE END OF THE SESSION, MOST OF THEM STILL DON'T KNOW

I assume she learns nothing from this

well

the DM asked me for what she might do/say/think in her last moment when it happened

and i was like

i don't think it's like. a single bad memory or a regret that haunts her or anything. i think all that goes through her head is "I should have never tried to be good"

so. she learned the wrong lesson maybe!

I support her I decided

Pandora is incredible. I also support her

LMFAO IM SO GLAD Y'ALL LIKE HER

when the campaign started I really wanted something different from the rest of my roster bc most of my characters are... good-aligned or close enough to it

so I was like. I want to try just playing a selfish little motherfucker actually

hell YEAH

she is starting to CARE a little bit about the party or whatever and she owes the RA quite a lot for getting her out of some real shit from her criminal background on like . the second day of school. so she's been trying to help them out at least but

dying?????? that's a bit much gang

maybe her debt to the ra is paid by dying for them

THE RA IS ACTUALLY DEAD TOO NOW SO WHO'S TO SAY (i doubt he's dead permanently though he needs to be alive for the ritual he was kidnapped for)

current status dead, future unknown

yes

also all of this happened in a real-time span of 1hr 45min. it is both the shortest and most chaotic tabletop session i have ever been in

holy crap

your dm like well we have more time but let's stop here for narrative purposes and also I need a hot cocoa

JFSDKLGJKLFG one of the players actually just had to go to bed early (and this campaign usually runs on tuesdays so we usually only do like 2.5-3hrs max anyway since folks gotta work the next day) but also,

we did need hot cocoa,

I need hot cocoa fucking hearing about it sjksksnd

JFDSKLFMKG

a round of cocoa for everyone

everyone was like "i'm looking forward to the character development from pandora dying" after session and i was like

shit man me too! got no clue what's gonna happen now!

i play no character on impulse more than i do pandora peppertree

SHES JUST OUT HERE DOING STUFF

it is incredibly rare that i know what pandora will do ahead of time

i think the only time i was confident about that was when we ended a session with her threatening to blow up a keg of very flammable alcohol after i rolled high enough that the DM said she'd be able to determine the flash point, estimate the likely blast radius, and had the supplies to cause a spark to ignite it upon shooting it

and i was like

DM i hope you've actually worked out the size of that radius and how much damage it's going to do because she is 10000000% going to blow that thing up.

consider it kersploded

been trying very hard not to get on the Work Gossip train bc i really don't want that energy in my life but i did gossip a little bit with the coworker who is the closest thing i have to a Work Friend while helping her in her aisle... learned that i am apparently not the only one that my TL just randomly gets after for the stupidest possible shit

so. hate that for others but does make me feel slightly better that it's not just me

did confirm the existence of the management/senior employee clique cattiness i have noticed too

and also learned that apparently. my manager got after this particular coworker for........using the bathroom too often/for too long??? and set a limit on how often she can go now???

i was immediately like HELLO IS THAT LEGAL? and my coworker basically gave me a big shrug like "idk it's a lot of he said/she said so i think it's a grey area"

so. big yikes there. will continue to try to stay in my lane and be superficially pleasant so i'm not on the receiving end of any of that shit at least until i have an alternate source of income lined up

got my annual performance review tonight too and it was totally positive this time which is a welcome change from last year, which was basically "here are a bunch of nitpicky problems we've found after only a couple of months of barely any observation and no effort to tell them to you prior to this"

just. man. once again, i do not miss day shift and customer service but i do very much miss my management in cville floral

wow that sounds like a lot of people without joy in their lives taking it out on ppl they have a tiny amount of power over... large yuck and yikes

HONESTLY......

they're all like. on the older side of middle aged ladies so that is the prime demographic for sad bitterness 😬

"using the bathroom too long"?????? wild

rooting for you cee...

I KNOW......

just 😬😬😬

how dare an employee shit

THE WORST PART IS THAT

RIGHT BEFORE MY COWORKER TOLD ME ABOUT THIS

MY TEAM LEAD WAS LOOKING FOR ME FOR MY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AND COULDN'T FIND ME BC I WAS IN THE BATHROOM

and i was like oh god. am i next

HOW DARE YOU SHIT

idk if you will find this as tunny as i did but I told Kerr about this bc she's sitting right next to me and she literally said "how dare someone shit" because we are the same guy.

*funny...

HOW DARE SOMEONE SHIT!!!!!

FHDSKLMGFKKL

HOW! DARE! SOMEONE! SHIT!!!

tummy hurts and I am not being brave about it but it looks like tabletop is not happening tonight so at least I can lay around about it

puts a heating pad on u (or ice pack if you prefer)

you know, I've actually never tried ice pack for tummyache... only medicine and heating pad

i hadn't until recently but it actually seems to help?

or else my brain was just desperately clinging onto whatever was available

will have to keep this in mind bc the idea of a heating pad in my hot-ass room is often an unbearable prospect LMFAO

yeah i said heating pad and then i was like wait thats a no-ac microaggression and felt bad LOL

HAHAHAHA it's okay

sometimes it's bad enough that I heating pad anyway

I think last year I did actually have heating pad on tummy with ice pack on back so I didn't die

woken up today by drilling and hammering from next door's construction and im slowly turning into a werebear about it

they have been working every single weekday from roughly 9am to 5pm for about three weeks

it's a townhouse. what the fuck is taking so long

I am so mad I want to work the phones and they are drilling RIGHT NEXT TO ME STOP

im really tempted to catch the landlord over there next time i see her and ask if there's an ETA on all this being done bc im going insane

yeah that'd be reasonable I think

eight hours a day..........................................

that would be a nightmare even if you didn't sleep during those hours

yeah naya and eko have not been having a great time with it either ☠️

i would be going insane. like. having had this go on for a week when the landlords were getting the roof fixed i was a complete wreck of a human by the end so i cannot imagine

clutching desperately at my landlords shirtsleeve. please. the Banging. it echoes in my bones

god our landlord had our roof redone like...a monthish ago and i just straight up bailed MFLDKFGMKLH i slept at my partner's place

which. i can do sometimes. but i can't live over there full time, which i would need to to escape this level of constant noise

f f f

rancid mood last night continued into rancid mood today, which has stolen much of my sleep today

not looking forward to holding this during work but. it's saturday so maybe i'll have too much to do to think about it

work was not too bad aside from me being so tired it felt like my eyeballs were gonna fall out... also did not get much sleep before plans with the homies this morning on account of direly needing to shower but. we got breakfast and boba and it was v nice

partner and i are gonna do a grocery run and then they are probably gonna head home... me sad but I'm glad I got to see them today it's been a rough week emotionally

my brain turning itself inside out has made Doing Hobbies difficult for the past week, which has made the brain acrobatics worse, rinse repeat. but i am awake through next-door construction and bodily requirements so i am gonna try to Do Hobbies until i need to go back to sleep before work...

Monday sure did Monday all over me and now im very tired and don't want to think about preparing for our party this weekend... but I must......

beset upon by a sudden melancholy tonight... wish i did not have to go to work

depression and my fukcing PERIOD, AGAIN have absolutely annihilated my ability to function this past week and im SIGHS

oh my god has your period ever chilled out even one time

IT HAS NOT

this is the third time in less than a month it's been every other week since my first period on this new birth control

if it doesn't level out by the time I finish this 3mo supply I have, I am going to stop taking this BC LMFAO

because I cannot live like this,

what the fuck what the fuck uterus no

I KNOW

IT'S SO FUCKED UP

jail for uterus! jail for ten thousand years!

THREE TIMES IN ONE MONTH??????????

uterus you cut that shit out

how far into the supply are you?

squints. i'd have to pull it out of my purse but i think i'm into the second week of month 2

my uterus has always needed to go to jail frankly but this is ridiculous

if you can, you might want to call your doc about it... the fact that it's month 2 strikes me as like. admittedly I don't take bc myself, but I don't think it's supposed to do that??

i was not prescribed it! it's an OTC birth control

and i do not have...a regular doctor to consult rn

the 1st and 3rd periods are like. they have been basically when my period would normally be. so it may be that the middle one was just an outlier but i can't really know for sure yet

bodies why you do this...

the human reproductive system is an absolute fucking nightmare

sorry about that cee-- i've got another pal who does get prescribed bc who had to go through a couple to find one that works, but I shouldn't have assumed yours was a prescription too

me worrying constantly about my friends w/ the bad periods

it's okay! this is the first FDA-approved OTC birth control and i think it only went into public circulation like...last year??? so i am not sure it is common knowledge

i have a very traumatic history with gynecologist visits so i figured i would try it before going through the prescription BC rigamarole

oh dang! yeah i had no clue about that. genuinely that's very clue!!

i hope it stabilizes for you. just generally speaking and so you don't have to deal with going to the gynecologist

thank you... i will have to go to the gynecologist at some point anyway but apparently a self-test swab alternative to the pap smear is going to be coming to some offices in the USA soon so i would LOVE to hold out for that

er, self-collect?? it's not exactly like an at-home covid test or anything but the patient collects the sample themself

idk if there is a planned parenthood or similar clinic nearby that you might be able to go to for less $ and theoretically an environment where there would be more understanding about you being leery about gyns... just a thought tho. my main thought is uterus no bulli

i did look up planned parenthood locations at one point but the closest one is half an hour away via I-95

i have not done much research outside of that yet though so i will look into that when the spoons are extant

jesus h WELP

yeah... you'd think they'd be more plentiful around the baltimore area but . nope

(i could also go into baltimore but lol)

but you don't hate yourself That Much atm yea

at the moment or, like, almost ever

city driving stresses me tf out in general but my god. pair it with the DMV area tendency towards Hurrying and Rage and u couldn't pay me to drive in that shit

City driving suuuuuucks

me and the roomies had a little party today with some very long-distance friends who were in town (including our one friend who has been teaching in Japan for a few years) and it was too brief but still very nice

my head and tummy hurt very bad now from the food and drink indulgences I had but it's okay. I blessedly have tomorrow off work as well so I am heading home with partner to chill and spend tmw with them

obviously this is like secondhand advice given to me but when I got on birth control my obgyn did say it can take a few months for your cycle to adjust

yeah and I do remember having some irregularity last time I started BC, which was a million years ago but I know it's not unusual

I would be less fussed about it if the accompanying mood swings/depressive episodes weren't uhhhhh getting to be debilitating

which. is one thing when it's once a month. but when I've been in total brain hell every other week it's,

not great,,,

sucks though

okay plurk didn't show me any replies after your first one there but I still think my reply applies

nice weekend but i got home later than i meant to today so i am not gonna have a lot of time to rest before inventory hell tonight. i also got some really disappointing news that has resulted in some frankly crushing sadness so i am glad life is back to being nonsense as always the moment i leave my partner's place

day off tomorrow so hopefully getting back on the bus with silent spring stuff then... sighs

survived inventory once again and free of that particular nonsense until February

the next nonsense is the holidays. but work things will probably be a slower for me through Sept/Oct... I am already down to 3 days/week on the latest schedule

my wallet hates it but my brain needs it tbh

laundry today because i'm just like Sisyphus fr fr

but. besides laundry. RP. and maybe art? that would be nice

YOU SURVIVED!!

glad things are slowing down at least for a bit for you cee

me too... like I said. fewer hours means fewer money. but. scale weighing hand motion

I've been so absolutely exhausted between work and this fucking period gauntlet I've been dealing with that I haven't had time or energy on my days off to, like, do anything to set up supplemental income

like perhaps job hunting or commissions LMFAO

so. I am hoping with a little less work craziness that I can do those things

maybe narrow down therapist options and make an appointment as well bc jesus LMFAO

finished my laundry and even managed to put most of it away a little while ago but am now having trouble finding momentum for anything else...ough

roomie impulsively made plans w me and then cancelled just as quickly but it was BEAUTIFULLY cool out today so partner and i went on an impromptu date instead

had big ol' sandwiches and split a fancy cookie for dessert

and got to sit OUTSIDE... LUXURY

i've been feeling so cooped up with the latest covid spike

vibes got real weird and bad last night so i slept for. checks watch. about 14 hours

apparently tmw night we're going to have reps from upper management and HR working with us and doing open door stuff so after some coaxing from a coworker i signed up for a slot to discuss career options... i don't anticipate this company will have anything that suits my interests and needs based on the cursory research i've done before

but. if anyone would know. it is them. so i figured i might as well show up and ask

god i feel inexplicably ill this morning wanted to shower and get some drawing done but ough......

I am so weary of fighting my brain and body 😭😭😭

i hope i feel less yuck after work tonight, i would love to do something with my day besides sleep

I WANT TO DRAW... AND TAG AT ...

the upper management visit/open door...is next week when i'm not scheduled and now i'm on the hook for a meeting anyway

i was going to ask my partner if they wanted to come with me and make it a little midnight date adventure so i didn't have to go out for just that but... they're going to be out of town.........

which. i am trying not to think about too much honestly

it'll be the first time one of us has been out of town alone since we started dating, and normally i wouldn't worry about my ability to handle it reasonably, but with the severity of my emotional disregulation lately i am . a wee bit worried

christ alive of course the fucking package i finally got around to sending my dad after literal months got returned to sender

for "incomplete address information" even though I WROTE THE WHOLE THING... INCLUDING THE UNIT NUMBER (which is definitely the problem)... ON THE PACKAGE

i love wasting postage costs on incompetence

got so frustrated about this and everything in my life lately that I finally did a home improvement task I've been meaning to do for months. I don't think I even did it right tbh but it'll do for now

oh for fuck's sake, shipping

very annoying!

also very annoying that i woke up with tummyache AND headache

just need to survive tonight at work and then i will have an actual full weekend where my only other obligations are dungeons and sometimes dragons

having some very "why do i bother" feelings about a lot of things rn very suddenly sighs

I have had a headache since I woke up last night and I felt like I'm going to explode

sighs... the TTRPG session I was rly excited for that we haven't been able to play for months got cancelled

once again feeling very "why bother" about it

and we're probably not going to have another time to play until October and I will almost certainly be scheduled to work instead of having a miracle Saturday off

rescheduling that shit turned into about half of the campaign whipping themselves up into nonsense frenzies about some suggestions that were made to lessen the impact of cancellations on actually playing, which turned into me getting caught in the crossfire for absolutely no fucking reason

and I am truly just so absolutely fucking sick of other people allowing themselves to talk to me hurtfully because of Anxiety™️

and being treated like im being unreasonable for being upset and not assuming better intent as if intent fucking matters when I am still constantly getting my feelings hurt bc people refuse to fucking think before saying shit to me

you are not being unreasonable

I DON'T THINK SO BUT PPL CONSTANTLY BE ACTING LIKE IT

my weekend was an absolute fucking nightmare and i am reevaluating my entire approach to some friendships as a result of it so ofc i didn't get to get caught up at silent spring.

but i have no obligations today until d&d which pretty much always gets cancelled on tuesdays anyway so i am going to try to throw my whole ass into it today

my "join a game and absolutely fumble the first month from RL shitting on me" streak continues even after a nearly 3-year hiatus

oh on a (weird but) positive note though: got assigned to baby last night which is already very rare but especially on a busy night like a monday, and my TL (the only manager on duty) told me it was bc i was one of the few people she trusted to actually rotate stuff carefully

i have often doubted whether my TL actually likes me or thinks i'm competent at all LMFAO so that was nice to hear even if i was also like ah... cool... no pressure or anything...........

it is really so amazing that the best and most consistently stable and encouraging thing in my life (my relationship with my partner) is now poisoned for me to think about bc someone i can't get away from can't handle the ways in which it has changed their dynamic with us.

i feel so unspeakably vile about this and i'm just going to have to sit with that feeling for ? i don't know, probably a week at least, because my partner is going out of town and so we're not all going to be able to sit down together and talk before that. lmfao

i'm having a hard time like. putting into words what i want to express but

that really sucks, cee. i'm sorry that you have to sit with that.

this feels like the understatement of the year, but like. gestures tiredly

it's alright i can't even put it into words either bc of how devastatingly upset it made me on so many vectors

and probably will continue to make me until the end of time frankly

it's really awful. that should not be something you have to manage

it should not but heaven forbid i have something nice and untainted in my life LMFAO

wtf

that sucks, I'm sorry cee

IT SUCKS AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS

MY PERIOD AGAIN

I will be discontinuing this birth control as soon as this one is over

jesus fucking christ

HELLO?? PERIOD AGAIN????????????????????

PERIOD GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YUP... i don't think it's even been a week

that is so fucking exhausting. body cease

it apparently fucking shan't until I stop this BC

which I don't want to do mid-period but boy howdy as SOON as it's done

had a nice talk with my mom and a nice talk w upper management and HR about career options. coworkers also all said i looked very cute and nice (i was out of uniform since it was my night off)

so that was nice but. ugh. i am still just so consumed with nastiness despite my best efforts

this is going to be the longest weekend of my life

uuuugh. the nice talks are super encouraging, though!

yee... unfortunately it was about what i expected re: career options at this company (not currently much that fits my needs/preferences) but that's okay. they said if anything ever pops up that they'll do what they can to help me pursue it

just getting on the radar that way is good!

yee and they were very appreciative/impressed that I came in for the meeting on my day off so. dusts shoulders off

had a very nice morning with Naya going apple picking and checking out the market for the farm but then we also had our monthly household meeting

and I also worked all night in my least favorite aisle

I'm so tired

nts turn in AC for after . a nap, maybe

trying to nap but dying of sadness from how much I miss my partner

did not end up going to the grocery store today as planned so I'll have to go in the morning but that is fine