i'm so fucking exhausted because i am objectively Doing The Right Things

maybe i could eat more veggies or whatever but like

i'm taking my meds, i'm talking to my therapist, i'm trying to move my body more

trying to take care of my physical health and get a better sleep schedule

but everything feels like shit still and i'm getting really tired of trying

i'm not expecting instant satisfaction, that's not it

i'm talking about like i've been trying really hard for two years solidly and i don't seem to be going anywhere

i'm better? i guess? i'm having less panic attacks

but like, i'm not really. i'm so fucking unfulfilled

i busted my ass for nine years for a masters and 90% of a PhD and i only stopped because i was burnt out and so beaten down about everything

like getting my dissertation rejected three times really just tanked me

but now i'm trying to get more steady work, like a teaching job or something that pays decently (maybe salaried? lol imagine)

and there is just fuck. all.

so what did i even do anything for anyway?

now i have a ton of debt and i'm barely scraping by with bills and it's just

i've been trying so hard to hype myself up about my new job but i'm just not

i'm not excited

/huggles you

it's more of the same unfulfilling bullshit that i've been doing and i'm tired of it

nothing sparks joy and i'm over feeling shitty all the time

i can't even be excited by my birthday because i'll be with my parents and it'll be awful because they always make me feel awful

last year was terrible and i don't expect this year to be any better

i'm just steadily losing hope of ever feeling anything other than vaguely gross and unhappy

I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now.

thank you, lovelies

it's not any sort of dangerous "what's the point" just an "i'm tired and need a solid break" sort of mood

man, this is such a sucky feeling job hunting is so demoralizing, but you're doing all the right things

Sending you love