so all of this fucking bullshit that's been going on for months is apparently being kicked off because my mom and her abusive ex-husband were long distance emotionally abusing one another???

I won't get into truly stupid details but long story short, she asked me to talk to him to get him to stop torturing her so I did. Find out they're both just emotionally abusive people and shouldn't be anywhere near each other

I find out from him he's filing a police report because she's calling him and his new fiancé constantly. She's threatening to commit suicide to him over and over because she wants them to reconcile. It's a he said/she said moment and I frankly don't care

now my mom thinks his fiancé has a black magic curse on her which is why her life is falling apart

I explained to her that it's literally all in her head and that our minds are trained to recognize negative patterns and attribute them to a souece

I get called smug and condescending and I'm lecturing her etc etc

then she tells me I have no compassion and THAT is where I fucking LOSE IT

...her life is falling apart exactly because of this shit she keeps doing.

I tell her "no compassion? No compassion is me telling you I want you out by the end of the summer. No compassion is me telling you I want you out by the end of next week"

jesus christ

I tell her she's mental. She's crazy. She needs to be committed if she thinks some woman is casting fucking spells on her. That she's a narcissist to the highest degree and that's why my brother and I want nothing to do with her

guys I'm done

I told her that she doesn't care one bit how her actions affect others. All she cares about is herself and how things affect her.

Case in point, when she pulled that shit last week and instead of saying "I'm sorry" she started crying and stormed out of the house

yeah man idk it sounds like she needs a whole fucken treatment plan for whatever's messing with her sense of the world around her

I told her she raised me to say I'm sorry when I hurt people. Hell she raised me to say I'm sorry FOR SHIT I DIDN'T EVEN DO

so MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT

she tried to stop me from saying more and I said "no, you want the fucking truth? This is the truth. You just don't want to fucking hear it because it's INCONVENIENT TO YOU"

whyellewhy she does and you know what else?

NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM

all of these bad things that are happening? They're all a direct result of HER ACTIONS

or her blatant INACTION

yeah, it all literally goes right back to her.

all of her money gone? Maybe she shouldn't have tried to defraud the NYC pension department and then try and bury her head in the sand expecting them to forget.

why would fiance of her ex even be mad at her rn if she wasn't HARASSING HIM

My mom is suffering the results of karma hitting her after YEARS

it's FINALLY caught up with her and it's shattering her entire worldview

but I'M the one who lacks compassion and I'm condescending and smug

get fucked

its true, the choices she made are dictating this

I don't care if you're my mother, I won't abide a shitty person

does it suck? absolutely. but she's also driven off any support system she might have (ie: YOU) because of [fanfare] her actions

floodplain there's a long story involving him calling my mom back because he's a scumbag who only wants companionship. When his current fiance was in the hospital from an apparent stroke he went and tried to reach out to my mom

it's reprehensible in every way and they deserve each other

ew

very ew

so now he's filing charges and a restraining order against her?? I don't know. I don't care. I want to not be involved as much as fucking possible.

LOL

hes wasting money on that when he can just learn to block phone numbers

he did, apparently my mom signed up for all kinds of what's app like services to keep going after him

god

damn she can learn to do that but can't learn to be fucken nice

I'm fucking dizzy and nauseous from my blood pressure spiking

so much energy wasted on being trash...

and I have shit to fucking do

get a drink, have a little snack, do some deep breathing if you can...

glad I took my blood pressure pills this morning

jesus h christ......

I just wanted to work on D&D prep and do some fucking tags today

yah please find some space to cool off n get urself back to comfortable levels

Holy fuck dude

Seconding Elle ^^

She tried carrying on and going on about how she’s doing everything I ask of her. She’s keeping to herself in her room, she’s going to therapy, she’s on her meds

Yeah but she’s not accepting or understanding why

She’s just ticking fucking boxes

I’m not doing well guys

I did my best, I stood my ground

This woman has the police coming to my house

Because of a scumbag ex

I’m just

Fuck man I am spiraling

If you're still at home, maybe try stepping out for a bit

your best was good. i don't think you could have possibly done anything better

uuugh

you're being far more compassionate than she even deserves, giving her all of this time to get her shit in order and find somewhere else to live

this will get better. it's not gonna be like this forever, even though it might feel like that right now

I just can’t let her walk all over me anymore. I stood my ground and I can’t stop picturing her expression and I can’t help but second guess myself

She tried to guilt me into saying that I didn’t stand up for her against her ex and that I wasn’t man enough to argue him down over the phone

She kept bringing up “you don’t act like a man”

She's attacking you with everything she can get her hands on because she's desperate

she's lying right to your face because she needs you to break

He was at the police station what did she expect me to do? Hell, I’m on his side in this. They should just leave each other the fuck alone.

Apparently the cops were already passing by my house multiple times this week. My brother just told me

ugh

I’m struggling to keep my patience but I’m a hair’s trigger away from going upstairs and physically hauling her out of my house

I’m not a bad person you guys

I’m not

you're not a bad person

you're a good person!

wanting her out of her house because she is relentlessly hurting and manipulating you is completely reasonable

I tried to be a good son and a good man

you've succeeded

she is a bad person

she is a bad mother

irregardless of all the things that factor into how she got to be this way, that's what she is

the fact that you're such a good person in spite of her is incredible!

you've done all the good that you can possible do for her, and it just SUCKS that the only person who can change her for the better is herself

Really appreciate my brother right now

you're a good man because you're taking care of your family as best you can. the family you've made with hilary.

YES, HE'S GOT IT

im sorry ur ma just
is like this
but ur brother has a point
u need to be good to urself and hil as well
the fact she isnt cooperating doesnt mean u double down to break ur back for her

"act more like a man" is wild from the woman who told Hil not to let you control her lmao, she doesn't even actually know what she wants

other than that she wants you to be kissing her feet 24/7, which wouldn't happen even if she wasn't a narc bitch

because you're supposed to raise your kids to go out into the world! not stay only in your orbit to worship you

I. Have no fucking words. You are a good person, all over. Good people still have limits

(in fact good people having limits is usually what enables them to continue being good people. you can't pour yourself out just for one person who will destroy you

^

aye
being good doesnt mean being a doormat

I hate that I’m so broken and fucked up that she’s got me doubting all of these kind words

I hate that I’m this broken, stupid mess

I stood up for myself today at least so there’s that

you're not broken.

I just wish I could be proud of myself

you feel broken right now, but it'll pass

ur in the moment
in the moment the shit fucken sucks ass

you are not broken. you are an abuse survivor. and you're coming out the other side of it stronger, but with scars.

you're feeling those scars rn, but they're not fresh wounds. And you're still healing. And making the right choices by standing up for yourself.

It really is abuse isn’t it

big time abuse

It feels weird to say because you think of “abuse” as something violent

violence doesn't have to be physical.

she's done you a great deal of harm

She tried to tell me to get her ex to feel bad, to guilt him. I told her I wasn’t going to emotionally abuse someone on her behalf

And that’s what she does. She guilts. That she’s emotionally abused me.

lmfao thats insane of her to ask of anyone let alone her son

God...

you will no longer let her drag you back into those cycles of abuse, nor let her control you and your perceptions of yourself. and she can't fathom that she has made this reality

the way she manipulates you is how she emotionally abuses you

get rid of her. she's baggage you do not need

I hate the man but I wouldn’t do it

I refuse

I won’t be a party to it

and that's proof of how you're a better person than both of them

make sure to warn your brother too, so he doesnt get suckered in by her lies

I did

He knows

He’s come to terms with this years ago

He just sees me going through it and it hurts him which

It’s nice to hear because for a long time I wondered if my brother cared about me

I don’t...talk about this a lot but for a large portion of my life I was incredibly lonely

y'all both have growing and recovering to do, and it's good that you can do it together now

And sometimes I’m reminded of that. And how it felt like no one cared. And it messes with me because I always felt like maybe I deserved it?

I know I don’t but

Idk I’m rambling.

neither of you deserved what your family put you through

and I'm glad you're recognising this. it's SO hard when you've been stuck in it so long

isolation makes it easier for an abuser to sew those seeds of doubt and keep you under their control

its ok man
its ok to not feel proud and vidnicated and ok rightnow

that's how kids who get shit feel. because you have this narrative from society (and from your mom herself) that family is good and supposed to protect you and also all you need is family, etc. and yeah isolation is part of emotional abuse, kids esp need a strong village. you didn't get that as a kid, but you have it now

I always felt wrong

And I loathe that feeling

Like nothing I did was enough. Or right. My dad made me feel like I was enough. But I was caught in the middle of their divorce. One person telling me I was good and worthy and he was proud of me and the other person saying my dad was brainwashing me

So that meant I wasn’t good enough. I was being lied to. Tricked.

I know to a lot of you I’m just a faceless dude on the internet. And I always presented myself as easy-going and outgoing. But...for most of my life I just never felt like I was accepted. I always felt like I was intruding.

that accusation esp is telling on herself because that's what she was doing to you. and she couldn't stand you had someone trying to counter that

I’m not saying that’s the case now it’s just a lot of this is digging up how I felt in life and recontextualizing

Sometimes it feels like I’m too fucked up to love

And yeah saying that right now. It was abuse.

<3 unlearning childhood shit is always an ongoing process

It’s as clear as day that I was abused

And that’s fucking with me so intensely because it’s so...counter to everything I perceived

you didn't have a way to know it was supposed to be different

it's hard to recontextualize your past and your feelings and examine them through the lens of abuse

possibly because of preconceptions of what "abuse" is and how you might not feel like your experiences line up with what you perceive as abuse

for me, it's "my childhood wasn't as bad as other people's, so i wasn't abused"

Yeah it’s very similar for me

yah
abuse doesnt happen in a vacuum of solely Everything Bad Always

the abuse you suffered isn't invalidated because other people were abused too

maybe """worse""" than you were

The hardest thing for me right now is instilling inside of myself the fact that I’m worthy of love

That I’m a good man

That people love and care about me

That I’m doing the right thing

those feelings will take root with time

A lot of things in my life tend to boil down to am I “right” or “wrong”

For a long time, being “wrong” would fill me with such utter contempt for myself

So I’d do my best to be “right”

Even though I know that life is so much more than that dichotomy

we don't live in a binary even if ourbrains want to tryto bucket things in them

ur good

u may not think it right now but wecan reiterate as many times as u need

i've heard it said that only good people worry if they're actually good people. i dunno if it's completely true but it feels pretty accurate

that you struggle to be 'right' so much means you care and you're good.

You don’t need to light yourself on fire to keep her warm. You’re not broken, you’re doing what you need to do to survive in the moment and you’re a good person, Ant.

I don’t feel like I am. I feel messed up. Like a huge pain in the ass. Like I should be better or stronger than this. Like I’ve failed so much and things got this bad on my watch and if I hadn’t been so spineless I could have avoided so much pain in my life

I could have avoided dragging Hilary through it all

She suffers because of my attachment to my family

ur not the only one making choices at any given time
ppl handle what they can handle
and decide what is and isnt worth knuckling down for

and its not solely ur fault things go one way or the other

Other people have already said it - you’re a good guy who’s going through hell. I know those “should have/could have” feels really fucking well, but they lie. They lie so hard

ur obviously worth riding rough waters with and the proof is literally right there ina ll those years toughing it out together

You guys have all stuck it out with me too

and i dont regret that

no ragerts

i know hil doesn't regret it either, that much is obvious just from seeing y'all on plurk and her in typing your streams lol

I don't think you "dragged" hilary into anything

i'm willing to bet that you couldn't have stopped her from being a part of this if you tried

she loves you

she's going to stick by you through the best and the worst of whatever life brings you

literally what marriage is

you didn't drag anyone into anything here

that's like saying i dragged jen into dealing with my illnesses

no, she loves me, and she helps me when I'm sick because of that, not in spite of it

hill isn't gonna sit by while you deal with something like this

would you sit by if this was how hill's mother behaved? no, you wouldn't, and you wouldn't feel like you were dragged into it either

that's what family actually does

hill is your family

Thank you Luis

idr where I'm going with this but I'm gonna punch your mom

Hil and I were just talking about all of this and I apologized and I literally said I don’t know why I’m apologizing but I feel like I have to

And she said I’ve been emotionally conditioned to apologize for people experiencing inconvenience whether or not they were my fault and I’m

Yeah that’s it exactly

And I hate it

Because yeah if not for Hilary I would be so much deeper in this toxic mire

She showed me I was worth loving

And you all have to which is why I continue to bitch about this shit on plurk because you guys are my safe space. I just feel comfortable enough to let it all out here

im glad

Everyone deserves love. The people that say otherwise are the ones that are wrong.

she is awesome and I'm so glad you guys have each other

Everyone here has said it but seriously, you work so hard at being a good person, and you succeed. I'm sorry that your mother insists on being relentlessly abusive to you.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

Yeah, no, burn that fucking bridge. How fucking dare you NOT protect her from her SECOND bout of crime, clearly covering her ass from the FIRST bout of crime wasn't enough.

Like seriously.... Jesus, I don't think I would protect my own mother from this level of crazy with criminal consequences, and she's NOT a narcissist and I have an 80% HEALTHY relationship with her.

(Hugs tight) You are not broken. You are trained. She is the one who programmed you with that doubt, because that's what abusers DO.

You are a hell of a husband, friend, and a writer. You are amazing and I am honored to still be your friend.

You are also a hell of a son, but she doesn't want a son. She wants a doormat and a scapegoat.

She's made her bed. Let her lie in it.