Does anyone have a parent whose idea of a “joke” is to make some blatant accusation, press the point and glare at you trying to force you into apologizing for something you either couldn’t help or didn’t do, and then when you’ve been guilted into actually treating the accusation seriously and apologize, go “I’m just jokiiiiing! Why aren’t you laughing???”

Because this is my mom’s favorite joke and last night she tried to pull it on me and I told her to knock it the fuck off

Uh. Yeah no that ain't a joke.

For context: she’s actually been largely okay since the last time I shut her down. I told her she’s miserable, that she doesn’t respect me as a person and I won’t abide by that shit in my house and to her credit, she seems to have listened

no, that's.. insanity.

That's getting what she wants (an apology/submission to her) and then downplaying the severity of what she did to obtain it

She hasn’t bothered me, she’s been respectful and she’s honestly tried to be positive which I actually appreciate

I was even considering telling her that I noticed she’s changed and she’s trying and thanking her for it but I held off because I didn’t want her to think “oh I’ve done enough I can go back to being a shit person”

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and she asked if she could tag along and go to the dollar store next door. I said sure because it was 114 degrees and her car’s AC doesn’t work so well anymore

... yeah man that’s. No

She texted me that she was done and she walked over to the grocery store because she wanted some snacks I guess? I got the text late and I was already in checkout so I texted her then texted her I’d meet her at the car

When she got to the car, she started saying that “you can’t just leave me in a store” etc etc

yeah it is not normal behavior from anyone much less a parent, to falsely accuse you of something just to get an apology

manipulation on a high level.

I told her I got the text late and I sent her texts in response that she didn’t get

Smashcut to last night, she can’t find one of her bags so she asks me to check my car with her. It’s not there. So she says “I must have left it because I was in a rush because you abandoned me in the store.”

I tried again to explain to her that I was already in checkout with my groceries on the conveyer belt. I couldn’t go back for her and I texted her that. It’s not my fault she didn’t get them.

So she comes right up to me and glares at me angrily and goes “you’re not going to apologize?”

At this point I know she’s “joking”

She does this shit all the time and I loathe it

So I just said “I hate it when you do this. I know you’re joking and it’s fucked up. I’m not going to apologize for your mistake and I want you to stop doing it.”

Nice and calm

She looks at me like I just stabbed her mother?? She starts going on and on about how she can’t joke with me anymore and how she can’t say anything and how she should just stay up in her room and not talk to anyone

I just walked away lol

Nope fuck you

yeah you didn't feed her ego so you basically hurt her instead

So she stormed out into the garage where my Brother was, took one of his cigarettes apparently said “I can’t stay here anymore” and walked out into the night

Apparently she came back around 1 am according to my security camera idk I wasn’t paying attention

I told my brother and his response to it was a thumbs up emoji lol

Because he gets it

lmao

i'm still stuck on the fact that this whole thing stemmed from her thinking you were leaving her in the store.

as though she was a five year old

And I wanted to know if anyone has had a similar experience with “joking” from their parents or if I’m just uniquely privileged to having a shitty mom whose idea of a joke is making you feel guilty like a “Gotcha!” Moment

I was about to say, can she not find her own way to the car?

+1

and she can buy her own snacks??

Like on stupid level I understand that she’s trying to break my balls. She’s trying to force a relationship I had with my father. My father and I gave each other shit constantly

not with parents, no, but siblings pulling the "it's just a joke why are you upset" when it's not fucking funny what they're doing?

But the difference is, we always did it with a grin on our faces, we never got in someone’s personal space looking angry, and we never demanded an apology for shit we didn’t do

Nah my mom used to do this. It's so goddamn passive aggressive. They goad you into feeling bad and when you don't frame it as a "joke" to save face or something.

goodluckstarfighter THIS EXACTLY

this behavior kind of reminds me of my previous boss, and it didn't click until you said she's trying to force a relationship you had with your father. those kind of joking relationships have to be earned over time. if she doesn't have that relationship with you right now, it's because she hasn't earned it.

All she literally had to do when I told her to knock it off was say “oh I’m sorry I’m not trying to make you feel bad” and then we could have had a normal dialogue about why that’s not right.

She doesn't anymore but my mother mellowed out with age thankfully.

my boss would try to join the joking atmosphere my colleagues and i had, but because she was so cruel to us, her "jokes" were always taken as cruelties.

I would have loved to explain to her why this isn’t an acceptable way to joke because you’re just making me feel shitty and then laughing about it

In the end joke’s on her because she had a temper tantrum meltdown and I went back to playing video games and didn’t care

I just was wondering if I was crazy or if this is, in fact, incredibly fucked up and if anyone else had parents who pull this shit

Good on you!

That sort of shit doesn't deserve your attention or emotions.

yeah this behavior is definitely fucked up. it's manipulative

I think it must be a pretty common tactic with narcissistic parents. Or the emotionally neglectful sort.

Yeah if this is what you mentioned before I conked out, I’m seconding what’s been said. My mom does more of the “oh it was just a joke/just teasing” when something she does or says upsets me

But she hasn’t taken it to this level

redfirelight yeah this is what it was

I’m glad my mom has gained enough levels to have proficiency in being a complete bitch

YEAH this is. This is pass agg as hell

I’m still very much working on asserting myself to her, so super kudos to you

knighted: I just realized something when you made the connection to your previous boss

who here watches The Office?

not in a long time, but I'm familiar.

goodluckstarfighter yeah this is definitely narcissism to the max

wait.

British or American?

American

then yes, I am familiar.

there's an episode where Michael Scott "pranks" some employees by pretending to fire them

redfirelight the hardest part is divesting yourself from your guilt over making your parents feel bad for standing up to them so I get it my dude and I’m sure you’ll get there and I support you with every fiber of my being

God it’s so hard and ty dude - I’m happy you’re at a place you can say “lol fuck off”(to an extent) and move forward

Other examples of my mom’s “jokes” are pointing out innocuous things that are “wrong” or “different” about you and when you don’t laugh at yourself, she acts like she can’t joke about anything. Because more often than not she needles something you’re sensitive over.

My mom hasn’t ever gone into the aggression territory with “jokes” but lmfao she is persistent instead

It’s taken a very long time because were raised to respect and love our parents but sometimes our parents are just shitty people with no desire to empathize with us on any level.

You’ll get there dude. I know you will.

he absolutely devastates his secretary by making her think she was being fired, and then is like GOTCHA and she does the fakest laugh because she obviously doesn't get it or find it funny -- and like, this is the same sort of fucking awful manipulative sadistic humor

Last night even she was being real fuckin weird and insisting we had plans today (we don’t) because she had some new idea to try, and would not stop until I got mad... but I did get mad! I said “you need to tell me in advance if you’ve made plans for us” so
I won lmao

Jaydeis: YEAH that is exactly it!! the same exact energy

GOD the pointing out rights and wrongs.

and my boss just never had any idea that everyone was uncomfortable with her doing that shit.

redfirelight fuck yes you did! Great job my dude!! I’m
Proud of you!

When we first moved in with my mom she was obsessed with my husband's sleep schedule.

HANDCLASP IN PRIDE!!!

Flexing in the gym in both our honors

Because he can literally sleep whenever and she finally broke down telling me it wasn't normal.

knighted my mom is the exact same way. I suspect she’s like this because no one ever told her how fucked up it was and how it made people uncomfortable. My brother would always disengage and just walk away so now she’s hearing it all from me for the first time and her reaction is to meltdown

goodluckstarfighter holy shit my mom was obsessed with my sleep schedule too. She always went to bed early and woke up early and because I slept in because I could she’d get pissy like I was restricting her from doing things. In truth it was just her disapproving of my schedule. I’m a night owl. I always have been.

I told her if it bothered her so much we'd see about leaving to spare her from it. Hasn't said shit since.

YEP. My mom is up at 6am, bed at 10pm. Always has been, always gave me shit about sleeping late too.

It’s that narcissism. Always making it how “this affects ME and I don’t like it” when it doesn’t and all you have to do is mind your own damn business

It’s compounded now because it’s easy to impose your will upon a child but a full grown adult? Now they don’t have power and it drives them batty nuggets

Anyway, I’m proud of the way I handled it. That I’m no longer afraid to just say when I don’t like things and I’m divested enough to let her have her tantrum and not feel shitty about it.

yeah the reaction and how you feel now are big growth signs

Which, hilariously, she used to beg me to stop walking on eggshells around her. Now that I don’t, she’s acting like every time I’m frank with her I’m shooting her in the stomach

Like she’s trying to elicit sympathy

But nope this is what she wanted! Eggshells swept

Hell yeah dude!!

perfect

BitterBearFace: redfirelight: goodluckstarfighter: (Hugs you all tightly)

what in the mother gothel

Lmao

Just another day in the life of Ant

im sorry dude i wish my mom n dad could adopt yall

I’m good my dude this shit doesn’t even really bother me that much anymore

zzzz

Soleil wishes to bite all the narcissists.

km,olki'

Bite them VERY hard. (Either that or she wants Early Cat Dinner.)

A lot of everything in here does sound familiar on various levels in my family. And, for the most part, the perpetrators have been trying to improve. But, it took a long time, still happens more often than it should, and is most definitely not cool behavior.