last night at work killed me and i still must survive 2 more nights before my weekend. ough

sundays are usually slow but i don't trust nowadays that i won't get horseshit dumped on me LMFAO

anyway hanging online w the partner, some b99, and some art i've been trying to finish for days... gotta sleep soon bc candela is at 6:30 but, morning has been better than night

dear god in heaven i am begging for one night where work isn't hell

normally. sundays are fine. slow but fine, usually my time is occupied with clearing out and reorganizing backstock for whatever aisle i'm in and i generally find that pretty soothing even if it's not very interesting

but. apparently. we are CHANGING OUR WHOLE SHELVING SYSTEM

previously we pulled product up to the front and stacked items that were stackable (e.g. cans) for presentational purposes

now. we are pushing all product to the back except for one row to fill the facings for the product's section. and filling entire bottom layers of stackable product before we start stacking them. and we only stack from the back, not in the front

and... AND

no more cardboard packaging on the shelves.

of course. nobody told me any of this. until after i had already put up all my live in one of my aisles

which made the job of yanking all the boxes of cans off of the shelves about a million times harder than it needed to be

(i had to yank every box of cans off of my shelves. dump the cans out. and then shove them all to the back and re-stack them as instructed)

which was just about the most tedious fucking task i could possibly imagine doing in an aisle that's already tedious because all the small cans of wet cat food make me want to jettison myself into outer space

i was able to re-shelve most of my product according to the new specifications and i deffo got the cardboard taken care of but i couldn't do all of it bc it was just so. finicky.

can't wait to find out what fresh hell awaits me tomorrow on a day that's actually busy

anyway i really want to draw or do literally anything enriching but my brain feels like instant mashed potatoes

trying to draw but struggling... man

i had pretty good art momentum going in april but then a bunch of awful shit happened and didn't stop happening and i feel like i'm back to just not being able to draw

i should probably try to have a me day soon where i just go somewhere alone and chill for an unplanned amount of time. vacation was genuinely great but not exactly the hard reset unplug i had imagined

failed at drawing but succeeded in falling into an organizational hyperfocus state. emptied and consolidated about half of the boxes living in my cube organizer in the spare room and emptied a few of the bags of clothes that have just been shoved into the corner of my closet

im on the verge of being able to make a big breakthrough in my clothing storage... i can feel it.......... ough

me last night: I'm gonna strip my bed and shower as soon as I get home and then pop my clean sheets on and nap before laundry
me now: I am going to eat my breakfast from wawa and then drag my filthy carcass into my old sheets and sleep before I do any more chores or I will straight up die

i laid down to sleep at 7:30am, couldn't actually fall asleep until 1:30pm, then immediately had a horrible nightmare and was constantly tossing and turning and waking up until my mom called me at 7pm and i finally forced myself to get up and do some of my laundry

i can't remember the last time i felt this bad from not sleeping LMFAO

and i still have two loads of laundry to do. and my bed is still gross. and i still haven't showered

all of that is probably gonna be for tomorrow's cee at this point

I didn't sleep well last night either what is wrong w me

did I spend so little time in my own bed over the course of May that my body just forgot how to sleep in it???

spent all of today once more struggling to sleep, doing chores, or being menaced by fucking tornado warnings

my flesh vessel has successfully wasted both of my days off

and I've had a killer sinus headache waxing and waning since the worst of the storms rolled through... urgh

at least I finally showered. and made my bed. and finished my laundry. and I made a LOT of progress on my closet/general clothing organization

I don't make a habit of going out and doing stuff during the day when I work that night bc it makes it hard for me to wind down and actually fall asleep but I'm so miffed about not being able to rest on my days off that I might go get breakfast or lunch or something

every day it astounds me the things i've been doing wrong at work bc no one has told me about them in the time i've been at this store now

which is almost a year.

unpacked...most of my vacation suitcase into appropriate clothing storage spots

lost steam on the rest

killing me how much i just want to go to the pizza place down the street and sit down by myself in peace with a slice but they don't open for grab-n-go until 11...

god i abruptly feel so crushed existentially. i remembered all the shit i've dealt with over the past month and some change, and what i will continue to have to deal with for an unknown amount of time, and i am so...so tired

pizza place plans foiled by an offer to go get treats at the coffee shop... despite myself and my insane desire for alone time I can never resist the local coffee shop

put my me time plans on hold for this and it turns out roomie can't do it it is now at the point in the day when I should be trying to wind down for bed but instead I have reverted to my original plan of sitting outside with a slice of pizza bc if I don't do something entirely for myself with no one else involved I am going to lose my shit

i felt much better emotionally after my pizza run and went to my partner's for the weekend which was very nice. unfortunately the neighbors have informed us that we likely have rats in our backyard and our landlord is being a real asshole about it so that's super fun

no signs of them in the house yet thank god but we have to do a lot of cleaning very soon so they don't START coming in and also figure out wtf to do if our landlord won't hire an exterminator or something

my period started just as I was getting up to go to work last night so the nonsense continues

just one day... can I have just one day......

(I can't, I clearly used them all up on vacation)

at least I don't work tonight or tmw so I can get past the worst of this organ torture in relative peace

we have to fight the AC unit today and I have d&d... and I should cook something on Wednesday to help me get through 5 days in a row of dark lunch... but... other than that......

did not end up doing the AC today and d&d was cancelled which I only found out bc no one woke me for it when I failed to get up for my alarm on account of my body once again denying me sleep all fucking day

very foul mood day. period is making me more irritable for sure but bleh

honestly feeling very existentially miserable which I'm pretty tired of

I did just remember the very likely possibility that I have summer SAD. I feel like it usually doesn't start kicking my ass full-force until July but my life has been patently pretty miserable lately outside of my one (1) vacation so maybe that jumpstarted it

i wish to be swaddled like a little bird tbh

also bird swaddling, in a way

TRU

I did start princess tutu with my partner over the weekend, that's been nice

oh excellent
my partner and I did ptutu early in our relationship. an important test if you date men is whether they 1. will trust you when you say princess tutu is good and they need to watch it and 2. love it and go on to recommend it to other men

SO TRUE BESTIE

the rest of the apple pie I bought over the weekend already had mold in it when I went to cut a slice just now... will my suffering ever end

man i feel astonishingly mentally unwell

i am sure the period hormones aren't doing me any favors in that regard but I think in the next week or so I need to, like, Do Something™️. either one of the million things I've been meaning to do to ease my financial situation and cluttered space, or look into mh treatment again

pie betrayal

hey... apple pie...

im sorry things are so tough rn cee. I hope that you can find something that will help with the mh stuff. it's so hard to get through the work week. is it's just exhausting to be in a place where your mh is so bad it's a struggle to take care of yourself, or when the stuff you do to take care of yourself isn't enough to patch things up

yeah I find myself so exhausted just from the combination of work, immediate problems/obligations, and basic survival that there's just no energy left over to invest in like... things for my long-term improvement

it's so frustrating

speaking of that. I bonked my head real hard at work tonight and so for the next 24 hours or so am gonna get to play a fun game of "are these period symptoms or concussion symptoms"

THERE'S A LOT OF OVERLAP BETWEEN THOSE TWO THINGS, AS IT TURNS OUT

I will ask my roommates to keep an eye on me too but we are on such opposite schedules that it's mostly gonna have to be me exercising a lot of self-awareness

oh no. that is not a fun game.

IT SURE ISN'T

OH I HATE THIS GAME...

fingers crossed that it's just period crimes

fingers crossed bc truly the last thing I need in my life rn is a brain injury

ur brain is so big and ur meat is so huge queen u will absorb the blow like it is nothing

HNBGHNJNGV

GOD I HOPE SO

brain so big it can't possibly rattle around in my skull at all

did not feel any noticeable concussion symptoms at work last night, which is good bc both my roommates are gonna be out of town for the weekend and I would have no good way of getting myself to a doctor if I do need to go

have also been awake waiting for the fucking landlord to contact me bc we asked YESTERDAY when we could expect him since I'm going to be the only one here and I don't have good daytime availability since. I have to sleep for work. and he only texted back asking about a time about 45min ago

not thrilled that I have been left to deal with him on my own and have to wait up for him on a day that is always super fucking busy at work but ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

begging it to be tuesday so I can have a day off and most of the irritation period hormones can be out of my system

I do have a headache which isn't terribly fun. but that could be anything

a butterfly farts halfway across the world and I get a headache

the landlord was 20min late and still here... he is doing us a favor cleaning out the backyard and blowing off the back deck so I can't complain too much but I have to stay awake in case he needs help 💀 ough

so weary and hungry... I don't want to make food until he leaves either in case I am needed

landlord still here

im fucking dying squirtle

ofc as soon as I started vacuuming the upstairs bathroom he came back inside to finish up

now I can make food and expire in peace

had an oat milk disaster while trying to make food and I am simply the crankiest person who has ever been alive rn

even madder that I had to deal w all this today

having another absolutely wretched day but my partner is very cute and sweet

taking an edible right now immediately bc i cannot get dogshit sleep again if i am going to survive d&d and then a monday in stocking

i STILL CAN'T STAY ASLEEP...

grateful to be in an aisle I'm very familiar with and don't hate tonight

the tea/lemonade pallet is annoying tonight but it's fine.

just need to survive until 5 AND REMEMBER TO STOP BY THE ATM BEFORE I LEAVE LIKE I'VE BEEN MEANING TO FOR DAYS...

I've just been so cranky that I fly out of here as soon as I'm done without thinking about it 💀💀💀

was too hungry and ate too fast and now tummy hurty

omg I still have a sore bump on my forehead from when I hit it on Friday

didn't realize until I brushed it accidentally

i lived bitch

finally. two days off. well-earned

the rest of my next slightly less than a fortnight, i am working in chunks of 2 days, which suits me just fine considering after that is the 4th of july and i've been informed that i'll likely be working 5 days total that week

(which is fine, i okayed that bc i want money, but i'm not EXCITED about it LMFAO)

money exciting, work distinctly not

yes the constant struggle of capitalism

currently drawing something very simple for a very stupid task and god it's soothing.

the true power of art

art is good and fun, actually

i've been wanting to draw for days but i've just been so exhausted and haven't wanted to risk getting hyperfocused and losing track of time when i've had to work every night

GANBA CEE... you lived!!

I LIVED!!!

SIMON VON SOMA MERCH???

HELLO??????

man my emotional state has been all over the place today

I love to be woken up in the morning with a household crisis

nobody is hurt and it doesn't seem like the floor/ceiling is damaged but our drainage bucket for the AC spilled and fucking flooded the spare room at some point in the night so I am helping to clean it up... ough

OH NO HECK WHAT

yeah we're probably going to need to do an emergency laundry load of towels at some point when it won't disturb you i'm sry

it was like. a good 2/3 of the room at least was just wet if not SOAKED

I got really mad because my recording got fucked up today so I'm angrily not recording until I'm no longer mad so go right ahead LOL

SO REASONABLE BESTIE

we're STILL in the process of sucking up water but probs once we're done with that... washing the nasty towels

ok I have therapy in an hour so lmk when ur coming down pls LOL

OH NO i'll let eko know, we can probs wait until after that

ok!! will be done at 1

god i feel like hell but we need to hook the AC back up apparently bc it will help with the moisture in the air

felt very ill at the beginning of my shift from the heat and sleep dep... felt like i had a fever and couldn't cool down for the life of me x_x

it improved a bit after i got a full bottle of water in me but ugh

i hate. summer. the next place i live in will have functional AC in all parts of the house or i will throw an entire fit

I'm so tired of being in baking goods jesus h christ

why am I being punished LMFAO

i always hesitate to say i have any real triggers bc i associate a trigger with something more outwardly intense than my emotional reactions, but, i am beginning to think that animal-related violence etc is a legitimate trigger for me,

came up in something my partner and i were watching this morning and i've just been in total emotional shutdown for hours

how is it the 23rd and i haven't even started on the pride illustration i wanted to do this year

...shit it is the 23rd

YEAH

life comes at you fast

every day of my life I am so tired...

got put in baby tonight bc my TL called out and please tell me why, 90% of the time I'm in baby, a senior employee will tell me YOU KNOW BABY NEEDS TO BE CAREFULLY ROTATED RIGHT

and yet when I was putting dead stock up and conditioning I found about a million things not properly rotated, including formula, which would get our asses grassed by the health department if they came by and inspected

tell me who isn't doing their job bc it ain't me

torn between wanting to sleep some while it isn't so miserably hot and wanting to actually do things today besides struggle to sleep in this heat

woken up by a headache so bad that it's making me nauseous. can a bitch get a break

crying once again at how cute and sweet my partner is

anyway, finally my weekend is here

I'm not holding my breath though bc my days off for the past few weeks have been the opposite of restful for one reason or another

the consequences of staying hydrated: having to pee constantly

bro I just want to lay in my bed

born to drink forced to piss

yes

THIS IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT DRINKING ENOUGH WATER.

there is nothing i hate more than waking up in the middle of the night to take a quick bathroom break from sleeping.

IT'S SO AWFUL BUT IT'S SO UNAVOIDABLE WHEN IT'S THIS HOT

me when I'm drinking water in the summer

my least favorite thing in the world is when you're really thirsty but ALSO really have to pee

pick one!!!

PICK ONE I CANT BE BOTH

i got more deep sleep today than i have in what feels like weeks. i don't think it was enough to make up the debt but i am so relieved

just amazing what not sleeping does to your physical and mental health

allergies so bad that im drinking hot tea even though it's so fuckign hot in my room... my throat has been sore/congested for a few days and my roomie said hers has been bothering her too, but i don't feel sick in any other respect so i think it's the pollen

i also got another fan for my room the other day and it has been helping to keep me cool but also probably rocketing a lot of dry fan air directly into my face holes so

oh my god my new bookshelf came a day early and i was so excited but it took THREE HOURS to put together

i have DINNER PLANS

what is it about me exactly that makes people think my feelings and boundaries are, like, up for debate

i swear to christ i do not see anyone else in my social circle have to fight for consideration like i do sometimes

anxiety. I was right not to be too excited about my days off

feel like absolute trash, have barely slept, have not resolved the current mess

not looking forward to work tonight

i am so fortunate that my aisle at work was slow tonight bc i don't think i would have survived if i'd had to haul ass

very bad physically and emotionally rn

time to try to work on a personal project until the edible hits and i can hopefully get any sleep at all

emotional hangover bad but at least I got some sleep today after what feels like 10 years

beaming you care cee

thank you sweet silvie

at least work is slow again... good bc I have tummyache now

🎵 morning meltdown 🎵

im going to fucking scream. that is all

I hope you have gotten some non-screaming rest

I have gotten what I would say is the opposite of that

I have had a grand total of what I would say is . 5 difficult conversations today

1 total meltdown

1 high that is hitting me way harder than anticipated for the amount of edible I consumed

and 1 WILD BIRD RESCUE

and 3 unplanned adventures outside of the house, which I am counting the bird in

there was a small sparrow (I think) (probably) on our walkway but it blended in with the sidewalk and BOTH of my roomies almost swiped him with their feet bc it didn't fly away and I was like WAIT!!! WAIT LOOK CAREFUL

long story short wildlife people did not answer once we got it out from under my car so it is chilling in our fenced-in backyard in relative peace

this is the kind of shit that happens when you're high that you try to tell people and they say you hallucinated it

you did good by that birb

we tried at least it stormed like CRAZY last night so i hope it stayed in our yard for that tbh...

we're gonna check today tho... lord

god im exhausted. yesterday was one of the longest days of my fucking life

i feel bad about having to cancel on tabletop tonight but i'm glad i did bc i still feel very unwell from the hangover of all of that and some of it won't be resolved until tmw at the earliest so i just . could not do mystery investigation with a character i'm not comfortable in yet

while holding all of this garbage in my brain

ough

don't particularly want to go to work tonight either but i've had to call out more than i like generally and sundays aren't usually that bad so. gonna tough it out