didn't want to put this in my chatterplurk but I need to talk about it somewhere

about a week ago Charlie, my partner's cat, started exhibiting signs of kidney disease late into the night, so we took him to a vet that offered urgent care services as soon as we could

they diagnosed him with what my search results told me (and why I suggested taking him to the vet in the first place), and he was in rough shape but the vets were optimistic since he had been eating, drinking, and using the bathroom normally

they sent us home with a few new meds for him and he seemed to be improving gradually each day, but he was always pretty tuckered out and lethargic by nighttime

some context: my partner and I don't live together so I spent my days off over here bc their car is also out of commission due to a hit and run a few weeks ago, so I had to do the driving etc

and I wanted to be with them, bc obviously

last night my partner and I were on VC when cHarlie started acting strangely again, and he'd been seemingly constipated/unable to poop all day

probably around 1:30 after many failed attempts at pooping, he just laid down in the litterbox, so my partner called the closest emergency vet

(which I have been to many times before, bc a little under a year ago I had to take my roommate and HER cat in for severe dehydration)

they recommended bringing Charlie to the ER. unfortunately, they were not able to admit us bc of high patient volume, so we had to look at other locations

and the next closest location is about 40min away

thankfully they were able to admit us but we didn't get there until about 2:30am

and were there until about 6:30am

the situation is not good. Charlie's combination of issues (hypothyroidism for quite a long time, kidney disease recently, minor heart murmur, severe weight loss related to all those things) has put him in a place that he will never be able to fully recover from even if we are able to treat his current symptoms

and basically the vet told us that if he doesn't regain his appetite and show signs of improvement in the next day or so, we should consider discussing end of life plans, because his quality of life is not...sustainable basically

so. that's the situation and I just feel so sad and empty

he's not my cat exactly but I do love him and I love my partner most of all, and they love Charlie more than anything in the world

and it hurts so much to see them like this and know there's nothing more I can do

I put the whole vet visit on my credit card and I'm so stressed about that too but I couldn't stand to not give Charlie one more chance

and give my partner the chance to give it one more shot, and time to come to terms with the idea that it may be Charlie's time

I've been so stressed and anxious for weeks over everything that's been going on, both that I've needed to help with and that I can't help with

it just feels like the bad stuff is never going to end

we're supposed to visit my dad in SC for a vacation at the end of the month and even thinking about that is filling me with dread bc I can only think of everything that could go wrong

I don't know. it just sucks. this sucks. I feel like I'm being crushed and I know it's worse for my partner

I'm so sorry for both of you, cee. it's so awful and draining.

oh cee i'm so sorry

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. It's good you're venting, though. You are all in my prayers

You're doing everything you can for now, I'm so sorry you're all going through this -- You're all in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry, cee. this is a tough thing to go through. charlie isn't your kitty, but he's still part of your family; it's painful to see him and your partner go through this. love you and thinking of you

I'm really sorry this is happening my dear ;; Charlie is a beautiful little scrungle and I know he can feel the love from both of you

i'm so sorry cee that's so devastating

I'm so sorry, cee. I am sending you all my love. nothing hurts worse than this. I know that you are helping Charlie and your partner so much by being there and supporting them. please take care of yourself and know that we love you.

cee you are an angel and it's okay to be suckerpunched by this. like silvie said, he's part of your family too, and

you're doing the best you can to give him one last shot, to be able to say you both tried your best, and to have that little bit more time. that's something to hold onto.

I'm so sorry, I'm thinking of you

thank you all. I appreciate the kind words more than I can say

I had to run out and get some groceries for both us and Charlie but we finally laid down to try and get some rest and we brought Charlie's heated bed into the room so he could stay with us

I tried to clean up partner's place where I could while I could but

as soon as I stopped moving and stopped having anything to do I just started crying and can't stop

oh babe please let me know if there's anything I can do

you and your partner do whatever you can to take care of yourselves

just take it one minute at a time. it's okay if you can't take of the environment, even if it's not how you want it to be. just take care of yourself and them. we love you

echoing anne. just being there with them is so much already. i'm so sorry that you guys are going through this, cee.

thank you all

charlie has gotten worse. partner woke me up to tell me he just peed himself while laying in his heated bed

we think it's time

i'm so so sorry

Oh no im so very sorry

he's gone. went right to sleep at the vet

my roommate is with us too

and everyone here has been incredibly kind

ceesawaseesaw: I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were there. RIP, sweet baby.

I'm so sorry, cee

some photos of our little old man

thank you again everyone. today has been really hard but it's been very helpful being given so much understanding and kindness

I'm sorry you guys, this is always a rough time in having pets you did everything you could and that's all anyone can ask I think

just saw this now and I'm giving you all my love. so sorry cee. I'm glad you were able to be with him & your partner

thank you, friends. i think we did the right thing but it's so hard

there's so much of him in this apartment and i kept expecting to hear the little clicky-clack of him walking through the kitchen (he had a thing where he couldn't retract his claws fully so he clacked on tile like a lil dog) so he could come lay down with us

every so often a little logistical or practical thing will occur to me too and I'm like... oh... right...

like well I guess no pet rent anymore... no pet insurance... don't need to shop for cat trees anymore...

and it's just gutting every time

I can't begin to imagine. He was so very much loved, and I am sure he knew that.

i'm so sorry, cee. i'm right there with you rn. it's so hard. sending love to you and your partner and to charlie too

i hate that you're going through this too rn anne. what a cosmically horrible time. you and kerr and the babies have our love too... we'll get through this

god i barely made it through work tonight without crying

i can't stop thinking about the moment he was gone

it was very peaceful and gentle but i've never seen anything bigger than a bug die before. i've never even watched a crab boil in a pot and i'm a marylander

i'm not great with the crushing reality of mortality in general so it has been very hard to hold. i wouldn't have chosen differently because Charlie deserved to know how loved he was in his last moments and my partner needed me there too but... man

partner spent the weekend at my place at my roommate's suggestion; i think it was good for both of us to have a change of scenery to reboot our systems a bit, but i took them home yesterday on their lunch break and am struggling a bit with being alone and leaving them alone rn... they will have to adjust to being alone in their apartment but i still hate it

well. not ALONE alone but without them, in my case

i feel like i've mostly just been distracting myself from how sad i am

it's hard to just...sit with it

somehow it has been a week since we had to say goodbye... i feel like i have been existing in a fugue state of either sadness or travel-related mania

charlie's pawprint cast came back so we went back to the vet to pick it up yesterday... i could absolutely tell it was his weird little foot 😭

we have it on a shelf next to a fun little memorial portrait that kayla got of charlie as a jedi (my partner is a big star wars nerd) and it's rly nice but...man. sad