the constant finding out "things that were actually severely fucked up and harmful" in my childhood through trying to explain my weird reactions/expectations with friends is a game of gotcha i did not want to play ever

"yeah haha finding out the autism diagnosis i had as a kid with multiple doctors actually being right instead of my mom saying it was wrong sure explains my breakdowns, even as an adult!"
"yeah!"
"and why my mom wanted to exorcise me instead when the fits got real bad!"
"yeah- WAIT, WHAT?"

bro i just thought it was a catholic thing

more i look at autism the more i'm like "the repeated diagnoses i got as a kid for aspergers make more sense than bipolar and also would explain why a lot of meds barely did anything for me, especially when i can't handle a situation"

also explains and gives more context to why my mother was sitting in horrific fear on her death bed upon realizing and telling me, point blank, that she didn't actually prepare me to live in the world independently at all

she probably realized that with what i've got going on health wise and mental health wise, i was set up to fail with how she tried to "remove" autism from my life

beating me every time i did something wrong intensified my reactions and, while she lost the kindness in her final moments when she was no longer lucid, she really did seem to suddenly regret it all

i'm angry again for my aunt and uncle taking that final peace away from her and from me, and instead feeding her with lies that i was just greedy and selfish and just a failure of an adult

meanwhile, i look out at my family and multiples of my cousins have autism/adhd/etc

i was not an isolated case, i was just the worst case out of my generation family wise, and my mother was ill equipped to handle me

i hate grief, man. i hate it.

i think my oldest cousin had talked to her about it, since he had adored her and also saw, before she died, how much i had suffered the same abuse he had suffered with his mother under my own

since he's also got autism/adhd

everything makes more sense. and i'm angry again at it and at my grief. i want to just have my own peace, but i gotta survive, first.